Family and Respect - Update!!!!

I have a bit of a rant here... I doubt anyone will read this... however if you do... I would love to have a bit of advice here....

My father has been in a financial bind for many years and I have been helping him out. I bought him a cell phone (and pay the bill) I bought him a car, I pay for his gas for said car, When his car needed work I paid for it (over $500) I pay for his medical insurance, I feed him at least 5 days a week - the only thing I ask is that he drive my kids to school and watch my dogs everyonce in a while..

I do these things out of respect and because he is my father....I am the oldest of 3 girls and I am the only one that helps him.... I just can't leave him to flounder any more.... It is my duty to help my family...

However, he came over to watch my dogs this past weekend holiday while I took my kids camping - he has always had full access to the fridge, the computer, the TV etc.... yet, my dad is the type of person that just has to mess with things that do not need fixed...

Needless to say - I have spent the last 2 days trying to fix my computer because he just didn't feel like things were fast enough for him.....

At this point, I'm totally beside myself - I finally got it fixed however told my dad that from here on out he cannot be on my computer - he is more than welcome to bring his computer here and plug in to my phone line (I'm on dial up yet).... I'm sick of finding porn shit, sick of finding things uploaded to my computer that slow it down even more or just totally fuck it up....
Anyway, after I told my dad this - he goes on a revenge streak stating - "Well fine then, don't bother to ask me to watch your dogs or babysit your kids anymore"

I'm sick of this shit anymore - sick of being given ultimatums - because I am trying to protect my stuff -

So anyway - sorry for the rant - but just had to get it off my chest...
If anyone has any ideas or help for me - I'm honored to have your help!!!!
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Well as of today - my Dad actually picked up my kids from school - and said he will be here in the morning - he saw that I was online when they showed up - and sorta looked at me funny LMAO

I just want to thank everyone for all their support and help and for just listening to me vent....

Family - honestly - is just a crazy thing!!!!

Thanks everyone!!!
Thanks
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Permalink Reply by Norseman on September 8, 2009 at 5:05pm: Add passwords to your pc; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lillaine on September 8, 2009 at 5:05pm: Stop having him eat over all the time and dont pay for the gas in his car.That will make him learn how he was taking advantage and abuseing you.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Dailgneachd on September 8, 2009 at 5:05pm: "Well fine then, don't bother to ask me to watch your dogs or babysit your kids anymore"
Chrissy, my love... I go through this with my mom at least once a month. I'm also always having to leave my house and go fix her computer because she calls at ten at night complaining because it's not working right and I find spyware and 900 newly downloaded applications, etc... no porn thank goodness...
I feel your pain darlin'. I wish I could give some real advice, but the only advice I have to offer is you have to stand firm. I used to give in all the time, let her have her way. She's my mom. I love her, I don't want her angry at me... but eventually, after a while it starts to take it's toll. You have to draw a line somewhere. If he loves his grandkids, he'll soon realize he's not depriving you of a baby sitter, but himself of his family. Let him go a few days solo without you there to cushion and make things okay after an argument and hopefully, like my mom does, he'll come around.

I love you girl. I'm always here if you need to just vent. HUGS; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Valkyrie Runes - Chrissy on September 8, 2009 at 5:11pm: Thanks sweety!!!! Yeah, he's my dad - what more can I say LOL but I'm tired of feeling like I'm being walked on all the time.... Sounds like your as used to this as I am.... Trust me I'll call ya when the shit hits the fan LOL!!!!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lightwolf on September 8, 2009 at 10:55pm: I totally agree with everything Dailgneachd said. I was going to give you that exact same advice. I hope everything works out for you! I'm sure your dad is probably having a hard time, feeling like he's useless and can't help. If he can work at all, try helping him get a (very) part time job. that will help his self esteem and maybe bring in a few dollars.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by WiccanVixen on September 8, 2009 at 5:07pm: while we respect our parents and love them as we are raised to do..as we become independent adults..respect is something that can loose traction as lifestyles become apparently different. Your father..sounds like he has some growing up to do.. i would almost ask if alcohol is involved..only because in general..children of alcoholics tend to become "mini parents" at a young age..and as they grow older..if their lives take a different path then alcoholism..they tend to enable certain behaviors under threat of the help they not only need..but somewhat deserve through right of family. STICK to your guns! Stop enabling his behavior if it disturbs you (especially the porn..that is not healthy for kids to stumble into). While you need his help as a babysitter..that does not give him the permission to run ramshot over you. make your boundaries clear..and DO not budge..in the end..you are setting an example to your children as to tolerable behaviors.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Valkyrie Runes - Chrissy on September 8, 2009 at 5:16pm: My dad does not drink at all - however he is used to me doing everything for him.... he is also a hypochondriac - so he uses his health against me as well.... I'm trying hard to stick to my guns but its now reversed as you said - its almost like I'm the parent and he's the child....

It honestly saddens me that he pulls this shit with me.... I thought he would have respect for my own boundaries.... yet he even messes with my TV's if the color doesn't look right to him...

I don't know - he seems to just like to meddle in things that are not his concern but I don't seem to be able to get him to stop..

granted I know I need to keep my foot down - but I'm tired of him holding my kids against me as well - this is where I give in....

Alot of it is my fault - I'm sick of being pulled in a million directions as well.....; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Valkyrie Runes - Chrissy on September 8, 2009 at 5:07pm: I have done that - but then he always threatens me with who is gonna watch my kids and I'm a softy because he's my dad - I just want everything to run smooth - but I'm sick of him using my kids and pets against me - I do sooo much for him - yet he constantly does this to me...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by WiccanVixen on September 8, 2009 at 5:14pm: I feel for you..it is a horrible position to be in.What makes it worse..is that you are in it out of love..ugh! Why not password protect your computer? or open another user account that he can use..and limit the internet sites on the search engine..i know i did that with my teenage son..lol..Mr Porn Himself..didn't know that Mom..when she sees her computer loaded with spyware..is going to check the history of the search engine to find out where they came from..I could really care less if my kid is looking at basic Porn..i think that is kinda natural at 15.. but..DO NOT GUNK UP MY COMPUTER WITH IT!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Valkyrie Runes - Chrissy on September 8, 2009 at 5:23pm: yeah my dad only looks at basic porn - he's not getting into illegal shit - I've looked at porn sites myself - I'm just glad he's not doing it while the kids are here - I think what pisses me off the most is that he thinks he knows shit about computers and down loads all kinds of stuff to make it faster - and ends up messing it all up in the long run - I mean how many virus scans do ya need??????

he's always been a "tinkerer" but I just want him to stop tinkerin with my stuff - there needs to be a boundry - my stuff is my stuff - I'm just sick of him messin in it..... I know that he thinks he's helping - but 9 x out of 10 he's messing something up....

I cannot list the amount of crap he's broken in my house.... My husband gets pissed and bitches at me - but won't say anything to my dad so its always left up to me to do the correcting of the adult LMAO

I have 4 kids - I didn't sign up for another LOL; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by WiccanVixen on September 8, 2009 at 5:43pm: lol..start groaning and calling him Tim Allen..and maybe the message will get through.. My brother is like that in some ways..his poor wife..he cannot sit still for tinkering..his last tinker..resulted in him trying to re-marcite their pool..welp..he forgot that during the Florida dry season..YOU CANNOT LEAVE THE POOL EMPTY..do to the fact that the slightest amount of moisture..causes the soil to expand..welp..it rained..and his pool "popped" in other words..it lifted ten feet out of the ground..you could see it from the closest highway for cripes sakes.. thus..he is now dubbed as "Tim Allen" NOT only that..but his homeowners..did not cover it..because he is not a licensed pool contractor..so much for mr fixit!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Mephisto Moon on September 8, 2009 at 5:39pm: I am a Cancer, so I understand all about love of family and all that. But I cringe when people use the word "respect" when they seem to mean "obligation," "fear," "duty" or "guilt." What is it really? I think *everyone* should be given a basic respect, whether or not they even seem to deserve it. Everyone. You ought to respect Life, and all of us a part of that Life, being alive, as I see it.

But respect does not entitle him (your dad) to leverage favor for a favor. In fact, even counting who "owes" whom what favor is to me very distasteful. Is this Love or commerce? Are we keeping tabs of even our kind acts, thinking God will "let us in the door to Heaven" because we added it all up enough? Please. No. Do good for its own sake, for anyone and everyonethat needs it when and if you can; doing whatever someone wants and being taken for granted, then having ultimatums thrown at you, is a toxic relationship. Have you ever considered family therapy with Dad (and Mom, if she's still in the picture)? Most likely, though, such people will not go along with it anyway. And it's only as helpful as the therapist you get....A bit of a crapshoot, really.

I would put my foot down in your case. I would calmly state all that you do for him, remind him you do it out of love (that'll go over better than saying "respect," which is what street thugs mistakenly think they want when it's really fear of their power.) Then state what is bothering you (the porn on your personal computer is a no-no, even though I am quite pro-pornography); the money you give him for the phone, etc., when what you get back is a lack of appreciation.

People need to be taught this, Chrissy: "treat me with appreciation or, short of saving your Life, I will not do the things for you now I am doing. And I think I do plenty." True, Love should be unconditional, but when a person doesn't appreiate you, it leads to a toxic build-up of energies that inevitably one day explodes in resentment - sometimes violently. And you don't want that, do you?

I would really try to encourage more independence for your dad and for yourself. As I said, I am all about loving one's family, but being taken for granted is not cool. I speak up to my wife, whom I adore, on the occasions I feel like I'm doing this "for what? An attitude?" You should too. Love flowers best in honesty and open, two-way communication. And genuine kindness. Genuine!

Good luck and feel free to e-mail me privately if you have any other questions/problems/advice I can (try to) help with. I will do my best. So should you, and everyone. ;)

~Meph; ▶ Reply to This