PaganSpace.net The Social Network for the Occult Community



How Do I Explain This To My Daughter?

PLEASE READ ALL OF THIS BEFORE YOU POST A REPLY!

   This is a messy situation... I don't even know where to begin. So I guess I'll just start at the begining, and please be patient with me, because this is kind of a long story.

    Up until three days ago, I was very good, very close friends with this chick. We did a lot together--spells, art, goofing off, cooking, gardening and we also did paranormal research together. I always knew she was a little 'off' to put it nicely, but never let that interfere with our friendship. She is a very troubled person, probably with an undiagnosed mental illness. She was severely abused by an older sibling during her childhood and also by her mother, who was an alcoholic. I forgave her for a lot of little things here and there, because I knew she had her demons.

   Throughout the duration of our friendship, I would hear stories from her about past friends and lovers that had been in her life and then gone. The story was always the same: She'd be friends with someone for a few years, then they'd stab her in the back somehow and it would end in a big blow-up with her yelling at the person over the phone or telling them off in a 'good-bye' email. Well, she finally did it to me... I'm not going to get into the whole story of why she thinks I stabbed her in the back--it's just too detailed. But I will say this: The whole thing was just a simple miscomminication about a plan we had made together... Nothing more.

   She's always been the kind of person who easily buys into conspiracy theories and also has a tendency to become zealous and overbaring about it. It's the same with her relationships--she'll get an idea or notion, and she'll cook it up in her head and stew and think about it more and more until she blows her top. More or less, the pattern of behavior here is paranoia that is only bolstered by her old feelings of being oppressed by others. 

   I received said 'good-bye' email from her. My first impulse was to call her up and talk about it like civil adults do. Afterall, there are two sides to every story and I felt that she had acted hastily without speaking up early on enough to resolve the problem and without giving me a chance to respond to what she thought was me betraying her.

   When I called her, she shrieked and screamed at me on the phone and then hung up on me. After that, I was upset, but was I not unable to admit that it had behooved me finally get a full good look at the kind of person she actually is: Self-centered, paranoid, delusional, miserable, immature and self-righteous. She had the audacity to yell at me about how I had been hanging out with someone that she hated (whaaat?!), to tell me that 'there is no my side to the story--just hers' (whaaat!?) and that I was 'just like all the others'.

   I realized that I had been dwelling with a sleeping monster. I realized that, in all the stories she told about people who had 'wronged' her, that it hadn't been them--it had been her and her personal issues of oppression and control and her innate ability to spin any tiny little thing into a gargantuan episode. Whatever they did, she took it as some personal betrayal and blew it way out of proportion and, since she believes the world should revolve around her, became enraged and lashed out these poor people. I should have known that she would eventually do it to me--it was just a matter of time.

   I was friends with her for three years and I'm over it now... She has proven herself to be someone who is not worth my time in the long run. But here's the twist; but here's where I'm conflicted... My six-year-old daughter, who does not yet know what has happened, is very attached to this woman. When I first started hanging out with this chick, my daughter was just three. Now, after three years, she has suddenly and brutally cast me out of her life (which is a good thing the more I think about it) as well as my daughter. Three whole years is half of my daughter's life so far--three whole years of my daughter's life that she cannot get back. This woman is miserable lunatic who literally, drags others down with her--including my daughter.

   I don't what to tell her. I don't want to make this woman look like a horrible person and ruin my daughter's good memories of her. (Even though she is a horrible person, it's not my place to plant something like that into my daughter's head.) I know her little heart will be completely broken to pieces--I don't know if I can bring myself to tell her that she will never see this woman again. I can't bare to think about what it will do to her inside. I'm terrified that this will warp her into being one of those people who is afraid to form emotional attachments. I'm afraid she will blame me. I don't want her to hate my former friend, but I don't want to lie to her either and nor do I want all those happy memories of the two of them to be banished by bad blood. I don't want to be the one to bring news that will tare her up inside, but I can't keep it a secret from her forever.

   Someone please help here. How do I go about talking to my daughter about this?

   At this point, I don't think that this woman would even consider just spending time with my daughter without me there--not that I think that would be a good idea anyway--just in case some of you might suggest it as 'visitation'.

Views: 455

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Aurelia Pontia on October 18, 2011 at 9:47pm

How old is your daughter?  If she's relatively young, I think you're putting waaaay too much emphasis on the long-term effect you and your friend breaking off your relationship will have on her.  Young children are really resilient.  

 

Just tell her that you and your friend had a disagreement and decided to not hang out anymore.  Yes it's sad, but life goes on.

 

She'll be sad for a while, then she, too, will move on to new friends just like you will.

Permalink Reply by Darin "The Piper" Harrison on October 18, 2011 at 10:51pm

here here. i agree kinda just keep putting off any Inquireries the lil tike has untill it's not so sore and explain it once or twice and POOF!! gone from her lil head and fill with legos, barbies, or a new friend of your's

 

Permalink Reply by Michelle Ransdell on October 18, 2011 at 11:05pm

She is six years old. Three years is half of my daughter's life. This woman was a huge part of our lives. We saw her at least once or twice a week. She's already asked me about her twice in the last three days. So far, I've just said: "She's on vacation."  Pathetic huh?

 

I've been through break-ups with friends and I've had to burn bridges... But not with my kid involved. It's really hard when your kid is very attached to the person who has made themselves an enemy... I don't see this woman as an enemy, but I can't lie to myself--she see's me as her enemy. And she has therefore punished my innocent daughter for what she believes is my fault.

Permalink Reply by Aurelia Pontia on October 19, 2011 at 2:40pm

She is six years old. Three years is half of my daughter's life. This woman was a huge part of our lives. We saw her at least once or twice a week. She's already asked me about her twice in the last three days. So far, I've just said: "She's on vacation."  Pathetic huh?

 

My goodness, my answer still stands, doubly so.  She is extremely young.  Yes, 3 years is half your daughter's life, but it's half she barely remembers and won't remember at all in another year.  I have a young niece.  I asked her once if she remembers all the fun things she and I did when she was like 2-5 years old.  She kinda sheepishly replied, "No".

 

Your daughter will only consider it a big deal if you do.  Pass off the breakup as something that happens everyday and you're already over, and she will too.

Permalink Reply by TuathaSidhe Jem on October 18, 2011 at 11:10pm
You tell her the truth, but not the details. Like was mentioned, you say you two had a disagreement and wont be hanging out anymore. Don't bad mouth her or tell her everything that happened. You could say that she has some things she needs to deal with right now and wont be around. You want to give a good example of how to walk away from a relationship.
Permalink Reply by Michelle Ransdell on October 18, 2011 at 11:29pm
Thank you. That is good advice. The last thing I would want to do is bad-mouth the woman and confuse my daughter and ruin all the happy memories she has of her. But saying that Aunt ______ is dealing with some personal trouble and that she needed to go on her way down another path seems to be a good compromise. I guess my daughter being upset is inevitable.
Permalink Reply by Windcaller on October 18, 2011 at 11:35pm

explain the cyclical force of nature at work..... that people will touch and move on in life..... no one's fault.... there will be new people coming in and old people moving out....... it is the world of adults..... explain the impermanence of nature.... and as you have learned that attachments lead to suffering...

 

                                                   " Dharmanomics "

Permalink Reply by Michelle Ransdell on October 18, 2011 at 11:40pm

"Attachments lead to suffering"

 

Very true.


SponsorPermalink Reply by Liz Morris on October 19, 2011 at 12:08am

Windcaller's explanation seems somewhat deep for a 6 year old.

Having said that, saying, "Aunt Whosit and I had a disagreement.  She wants to be by herself for a while to think about things. In the meantime lets do <enter fun thing here> together." This is not lying or exposing a small child to things they cannot understand.  If Aunt Whosit comes around, great - if not (or if you decide she should not for you child's sake) then it is what it is, sad but roll with it.  Six year olds are remarkably flexible.  Don't dwell on 'Aunt Whosit' and she wont.  If/when she asks, well - "Aunt Whosit is still thinking/pouting.  I think Aunt Whosit is a bit rude to hold a grudge about a simple misunderstanding."  Your daughter is unlikely to still be asking six months later.

Edit: I also think Mary Reinhardt's advise (below) is very good!  We may gently mourn the end of a shorter term friendship - but we are happy for the time(s) we did have!

Permalink Reply by Mary Reinhardt on October 18, 2011 at 11:58pm

you are thinking about this as an adult and not as a child.  Children adapt so much better than adults.  You are the important person in your child's life not your friends.

And...this gives you the opportunity to teach your daughter about friendship:  some friends we have for a lifetime, some friends we have for many years, some friends we have for just a short while.  All friendships are different.  Simply tell your daughter that this friendship was only for a few years and while it was fun, it is done now.  Just speak plainly, matter of fact and without emotion.

Permalink Reply by Ada on October 19, 2011 at 12:09am
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
Permalink Reply by Kixs on October 19, 2011 at 12:45am

First off, this woman doesn't sound like a very good role model for a child of any age. So the seperation from her is a good thing for your child. Simply because children learn many things by watching and I'm sure she has watched your ex friend.

Another thing, this is a life lesson, that we all go through, and as much as you would like to save her from those lessons, it's best she has them young when she is more open to healing and not carrying it over into her future.

It's very simple. Not everyone that is in your life today, will be there tomorrow. Sometimes they leave because they have completed their time with you. You had nothing to do with them leaving your life. But it was time for them to go. It does not make you less beautiful or wonderful. Actually the time you spent with these people helped you be the beautiful person you are. Even though you will never see them again. They will always be a part of you. So in that form, they have never left. So when you miss them, just remember the good things they brought to your life and it's ok to miss them.

 Now here is the hard part for you Mom. Let her talk about your ex friend, but steer the conversations to good times and let her cry for her friend that has moved on. She will grieve for your ex friend and this is normal, help her to understand her grief. But always end the conversation on a happy note. It's her first lesson in grief and how you teach her to handle it will form how she handles it for the rest of her life. Pretty heavy huh, but that is what being a parent means. Forming this little person into the best person possible. So it's hard work.  What ever you do, do not let your anger for this ex friend show through to her. Let her form her own memories of this passing time. Hopefully they will be happy ones.

I suggest you read up a bit on helping a child to grieve. There are steps that grief follows and knowing these steps will help you to help her. By the way, this takes time. So when she brings up this ex friend 6, 8 months down the road, try real hard not to look surprised. Just continue let her talk and keep it all positive as possible.

Above all else, do not project your emotions to her about this person. Let her make her own, and help her to understand these emotions. This is how she will learn to identify her pain,hurt, anger, sorrow, joy, even love. We are not born knowing how or what these emotions are, they are learned. 

Ask her question about how she is feeling and help her put a label on those emotions she is having. Kids like order and labels are a good form of order for them.  

I wish you the best of luck in this. By the way, we aren't born good parents, we learn to be.

RSS

Find Us:

Iphone Coming Soon!

Birthdays

Birthdays Today

© 2013 PaganSpace.net       Powered by

Badges | Privacy Policy  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service

Sign in to chat!