How Does One Keep Going?

Ok, so recently, I was accused of seeking sympathy from perfect strangers. So to avoid that scenario again, basically I'm just asking for advice.

My mother passed away on May 19th. On May 18th, I was on my way to the nursing/rehab facility where she was recuperating from a broken leg...to pick her up and bring her home. I was literally right around the corner from the facility when they call me and tell me there's something wrong with my mom. I get there and she's making this horrible noise and her arms and legs are jerking spastically. They tell me she's having a stroke. She died 13 hours later and there was absolutely nothing I could do to save her.

I have all these images of her in my head. All of them of her last moments and afterwards as well.

Some days I think I'm doing absolutely fantastic. Next day I am crying so hard that I can't breathe. My mom and I were not too close the last few years, but I was her only child. There is no one but me to handle any of this. All and I mean ALL of my family members that were there for me are all gone. I didn't get to say goodbye at the hospital. I had a dream a week or two ago that I was in a hospital and dr's and nurses were telling me she wasn't gonna make it. I went to her room, she didn't look sick, just sad. I tell her that I didn't think she was gonna make it back from this one. She just shook her head no. I say that I just wanted to tell her I love her...she says I love you too. I walk out of the room...leave her there...end of dream.

So my question is this....how does one heal? I keep hearing it will get better in time, but with those images seared into my brain, I can't get past it. I feel as if I have failed her. I know for a fact I failed her. There is so very much more to this story than I have told, but it's very long, very drawn out and I'm sure you've got better things to do than read about my issues.

Just want to know if there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, cause right now all I see is a dark cloud hanging over my head.

Any help greatly appreciated.

Blessed Be....

Jennifer

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by AlanHeartsong on July 9, 2009 at 2:18am: Jennifer, I'm so sorry for your loss. It must feel like your world has ended, even though you weren't that close in recent years.

I've held a few hands while people I cared for slipped into the Summerland, and in many cases those final images are pretty awful. What helps is to look at old photos, and purposely make the happy memories clear. Your heart will hurt, and you'll go on an emotional rollercoaster for a while, but it will even out again.

You never really get over loss, you just get used to living with it as part of your life, and all of a sudden it doesn't hurt as much.

You'll be in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Alan; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by ButterflyTattooWoman aka Amy :) on July 10, 2009 at 2:48am: Good ideas Alan!

Trying to focus on the good things, the happy times and unfortunately it's not going to be easy. Do not berate yourself for having your emotions it's going to happen. No matter how close you are or aren't to someone we still are losing that connection to the person where we had all the memories, etc. Sometimes even listening to upbeat music, or possibly music your mother loved can help you find a calm or possibly feel a little better.

I want to say how sorry I am for your loss and my thoughts are with you.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by David Darkfire on July 9, 2009 at 2:40am: It's never an easy place for your heart or mind to be when a loved one passes on from this lifetime, nor should it be. Reflecting back to memories that were good is one way to celebrate their passing and wish them a good journey for their next adventure. However, as we are human beings that are full of emotions and thoughts that can take us from one end of the spectrum to the other, we need know in our very spirit, heart and minds that our loved one isn't in any pain now, and has stepped forward on a new path of discovery. It takes some people longer than others to be "ok" with this void that they feel has been left with them, and in time you will. Do you remember the old saying, "time heals all wounds?" :)

Helping you come to terms with your loss is where friends come in, if anything just for you to know that they're there, even if not physically. ((((Hugs)))) tend to help too, and crying is just a part of the human way of coping with your loss. Whatever time you had in this lifetime with her should be remembered. You can also light a candle in her memory and set a place for her at the dinner table, such as we do for passed on loved ones at Samhain. In a nut shell, remember, hug, cry and keep going. As her only child her heritage lives on in you.

Warm blessings and big hugs,

-David Darkfire-; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Night Storm on July 9, 2009 at 4:14am: Loss is never easy and grief is at times cruel. I myself have lost everyone in my family in the last 3 years except for my mother and daughter. Some with regrets of what I never got to say and some I am at peace with.. The few things I have found that helps me in my moments is talking to them I speak to my dad all the time ... Your mother hears you, also another thing I found that helps is write them a letter, do what u will with the letter leave at her grave if there is one or burn it and release to the wind or tuck it away in a book for the time when u are ready to read ur own thoughts. and listen for her. I know how hard it can be.. But U have to know u will survive this.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Halfmoonarmy on July 9, 2009 at 4:18am: My mom passed on the 22nd of May, and I feel your pain. It's been tough. Everything makes me think of her. I see an elderly woman at a store, and I think, my mom didn't get to get old. She won't see the grandkids grow up, she won't see great grandkids. I see something pretty, and wish my mom was there to see it too. I want to call her when I get good news, and she won't be on the other end of the phone anymore. I don't know if it gets better. Everyone keeps saying it will, but it sure doesn't feel that way. I've known that my mom was dying for a long time, and that didn't make this any easier either. And on the days that I don't cry a lot, I feel guilty for not crying. The world should have come to a stop when my mom died, and it didn't. I don't know how to go on either, and I realy can't see it getting any easier anytime soon. Good luck on your journey. We just have to keep moving moment by moment. And hopefully, it'll get easier.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lilith Wolfstear on July 9, 2009 at 6:22am: I miss aunt Mae... your mom was my favorite aunt. *hugs*; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Halfmoonarmy on July 9, 2009 at 8:05pm: I miss her too!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Rhiannon FireDancer on July 9, 2009 at 1:16pm: I am so very sorry for your loss. Everything you said is exactly what I'm going through. I wanted to call my mom yesterday and tell her about something I found on the Internet. I am extremely grateful that she got to be with my children. They are both polite, very respectful, smart kids. My mother taught them all of that.

I am going day by day. Again, I am so very sorry..; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Halfmoonarmy on July 9, 2009 at 8:08pm: I am very sorry for you too. We finally buried my mom on the first of July, and that helped a little, knowing she wasn't in some fridge anymore. But now it's final. I have the youngest of all the grandkids, and everytime we go over to my dad's house, they ask if Nanna is home and I have to explain to them again that she's gone. That's been tough. Let's light a candle for our mom's tonight, and just say hi. And cry some more.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Joseph Andrew Zuchowski on July 9, 2009 at 6:07am: You didn't fail her or yourself or anyone, what happened happened, it was no one's fault, she had a time bomb in her that went off, there was nothing you or anyone could do, we all want that last moment, but we seldom get it. We all make choices based on who we are at the time and what options we have, some wounds take longer then others to heal, some leave deeper scars, but in time most of them do.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lilith Wolfstear on July 9, 2009 at 6:33am: Rhiannon,

I am sorry about how she went, and I am sorry that you are going through this alone. How can you be accused of looking for sympathy when you are asking for advice/help? I don't understand.

You didn't fail your mom. Do you have children? If so you know the love a mother has for her children. Your mom wouldn't feel that way about you. She wouldn't want you to feel that way. Even if you two were no longer close, she loved you. It's a rare mother indeed who doesn't love her offspring.

It's going to take awhile, years maybe, til the pain seems to fade. Until then find some closure, this can be done by visiting her grave, talking it out with her, meeting her in your dreams and talking, even a ritual designed for this purpose. Sam Hain have an ancestor feast and invite her to join you, my daughters and I do it every year.

Stop beating yourself up, sugar. It wasn't your fault...

***HUGS***; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by PamWiccan on July 9, 2009 at 6:35am: Greetings!

Grief comes in stages:

1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

Everyone has their own experience of grief. Some can get over soon, some can't.
We all go through our stages at our own pace.

You did not in any way fail her.

You must not blame yourself. When my mom passed I had guilt. We were never close due
to personal experiences but I knew in my heart I loved her much, I just couldn't get
along with her.

She gave me life so I have respect and love for her gift.

You in return gave her much joy I am sure.

Just know that she is in a great place and is at peace.

She will always be with you and I am sure she sends you
love every day.

Brightest Blessings :); ▶ Reply to This