In need of relationship advice
Last night I brought something to a head that has been brewing for a long, long time. I took control of a situation and I'm not sure that I should have. I think it needed to be done but I'm not sure if it was the right time.
Over the past three and a half years (of my relationship with my fiance') there has been a sort of battle between his best girl friend and I. She did not like me from day one and then he vented to her about some mental health issues I was having and that has made me irredeemable in her eyes. (To be blunt, I have/ had borderline personality disorder. I had a short fuse and was occasionally violent. The worst I ever did was cry all night, threaten suicide and hit him once with a glass bottle, which did not break or cause any marks.) I have gotten a lot better since then. I hardly, if ever, raise my voice and do not act out in unusual ways anymore. He has told her that I have changed and she will still not reconsider giving me another chance. He has asked this of her multiple times and she has not given an inch.
Aside from that, she hasn't been the best friend to him that she ought to be. She hardly even talks to him or answers his phone calls, then makes up an excuse that she was just too busy. She has stood him up more than once. She will disappear for months at a time and then come back and butter him up with a trip somewhere. It all came to a head last March when he told me, during a fight, that he had masturbated to scantily clad photos of her, which are plastered all over her MySpace and FB accounts. (Well, she is a stripper.) Just prior to that, she had asked him to go on a cross-country trip to CA with her and share a hotel room. She has a boyfriend of her own. Why would she invite someone else's? Why not make it a couples' vacation?
A few days ago, he wrote her what is supposed to be a final ultimatum: Make nice with my girl or get out of my life. She made it clear that she had no intention of trying to reach a resolution with me. His intial reaction was anger of couse but then he said something about not wanting to piss her off more. "Why do you care?", I asked, "She clearly does not care about how you feel and what you want."... I told him that he needed to drop the axe because she has made her decison. She would rather lose his friendship than work on forming a little one with me. He keeps telling me not to take it so personal. How am I supposed to take it?
Anyway, long story short, I had access to his social networking accounts last night and I deleted her from his friends list. I don't him before I did it that I was tempted and he said that he didn't care. ...Now I feel aweful. I just wanted her gone and out of my sphere. I wanted it to be over. It's been going on for too long anyway. He seems a little bit upset but says that he will be fine; he just needs some time to cool down.
What should I do or not do? What should I say?
Over the past three and a half years (of my relationship with my fiance') there has been a sort of battle between his best girl friend and I. She did not like me from day one and then he vented to her about some mental health issues I was having and that has made me irredeemable in her eyes. (To be blunt, I have/ had borderline personality disorder. I had a short fuse and was occasionally violent. The worst I ever did was cry all night, threaten suicide and hit him once with a glass bottle, which did not break or cause any marks.) I have gotten a lot better since then. I hardly, if ever, raise my voice and do not act out in unusual ways anymore. He has told her that I have changed and she will still not reconsider giving me another chance. He has asked this of her multiple times and she has not given an inch.
Aside from that, she hasn't been the best friend to him that she ought to be. She hardly even talks to him or answers his phone calls, then makes up an excuse that she was just too busy. She has stood him up more than once. She will disappear for months at a time and then come back and butter him up with a trip somewhere. It all came to a head last March when he told me, during a fight, that he had masturbated to scantily clad photos of her, which are plastered all over her MySpace and FB accounts. (Well, she is a stripper.) Just prior to that, she had asked him to go on a cross-country trip to CA with her and share a hotel room. She has a boyfriend of her own. Why would she invite someone else's? Why not make it a couples' vacation?
A few days ago, he wrote her what is supposed to be a final ultimatum: Make nice with my girl or get out of my life. She made it clear that she had no intention of trying to reach a resolution with me. His intial reaction was anger of couse but then he said something about not wanting to piss her off more. "Why do you care?", I asked, "She clearly does not care about how you feel and what you want."... I told him that he needed to drop the axe because she has made her decison. She would rather lose his friendship than work on forming a little one with me. He keeps telling me not to take it so personal. How am I supposed to take it?
Anyway, long story short, I had access to his social networking accounts last night and I deleted her from his friends list. I don't him before I did it that I was tempted and he said that he didn't care. ...Now I feel aweful. I just wanted her gone and out of my sphere. I wanted it to be over. It's been going on for too long anyway. He seems a little bit upset but says that he will be fine; he just needs some time to cool down.
What should I do or not do? What should I say?
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Maris Hellfaerie (Maire) on -
Yuck, ownership!
Although the OP was very detailed I do not think we get the idea.
I disqualified myself because I spilled tea over keyboard because of the wanking thing (the partners solo sexuality is restricted environment IMO he does not have to justify anything he gets off to, plus, I think it was a evil joke remark), and I have a bipolar mother myself. She accused me of wanting to steal her boyfriends because of wearing a tight sweater.
I am not saying this disorder makes people incapable of perceiving things correctly.
Then I think deleteing an account and placing an ultimatum on someone who could not care less is not taking control of the situation. I am a relationship idiot but I never had a problem with competition. Why? Because I am souvereign. If the man stays with me, he does it because he wants to. Men are not THAT complicated. And if a man decides he likes another woman better I could not change that.
So one can as well save ones power and not take the 3rd person seriously. This way one does not even get ones hands dirty (or: ones mouth, in this case). Complaining or blackening the other person will always make me look worse, not my competition. And I do not qualify as stripper/model even so I should be nervous about all the eye candies, shouldn't I. So duh. It is an attitude thing. Why let your partner pay the bills for your own insecurities.
-
Permalink Reply by ЯÅϋξЙ-dΔ®K-ÇŁĄW on -
did his buisness to her on the computer...admitted it to you in a fight....and you still speak to this person? i would suggest a spell to curb a cheating lover but it might be risky binding yourself to somebody like this,i speak from experience, youll get exactly what you wish for and in the end youll wish you hadnt...maybe you should read the writing on the wall before you put yourself thru the heartbreak...
-
Permalink Reply by Vigdisdotter on -
I think you should ask the same question of yourself. Why do YOU care?
People can have friends that are friend's with other people in their lives. If you trust him, then leave it to him to deal with it, or make his own mistakes as the case may be. If you don't trust him...then why are you planning to spend your life with him?
-
Permalink Reply by Moe Holmes on -
Honestly my friend I think if there is an attraction there from what you said he m.b to her photos if I was in your situation I wouldnt feel comfortable having my bf go anywhere with her...You guys need to establish where the problem is coming from first(I think you already know)And if all him being friends with her is causing problems then why would either of you want that in a relationship that could last....In any problem first,establish what the problem is, 2nd how long have the problems been going on realize what bolth of you can do to change to make the situation better....I feel for you I really do...
It seems as though you guys are very honest with eachother that is important in a relationship.im sorry that at one point you may have hurt him, I do understand the deeper the emotions and love for someone some ppl dont know exactly how to express them selvs vocally so with deep passionate anger they lash out...Atleast you cared enough to notice to change,I think he should know what makes you that upset by now and if it is her then ya that should be avoided.....
I think he needs to realize you have been there for him this whole time and the only thing that is causing the problem is her,I mean are you guys fine about everything untill she starts calling and then they go on trips?
I have told my boyfriend I dont care if you have women who are friends but if those women act as if they want to be with you or there is lust then please dont hang around them its not that I dont trust you but its almost putting your self in a position...I like to think ahead alot....he respects that and I do vise versa...We just know who in the opposite sex we can be friends with and the ones we cant because some do cause issues...
They have been best friends right mabye at one point they had feelings for eachother but you need to realize who is with him now(You)who has been there for him(you)
This is the problem I think..... right here and I can see where she is causing the problem.....from what you said below
"You know She would rather lose his friendship than work on forming a little one with me. He keeps telling me not to take it so personal. How am I supposed to take it?"
In a way that is her being controling and or manipulating in a way that sounds as if shes trying to make him choose...that is sooooo fkn unfair to you.....
Honestly friends dont make you choose beetween people they are there for you and want to see you happy....unless your in kindergarden
Ya sometimes lovers do but thats ONLY when they are afraid to loose somthing that they cherish in their heart...Its normal for you to worry or be upset because you love him so much
I hope he sees what hurts you and try's to avoid those things thats what lovers do
when they love someone so much..When two people come together to love as one in a relationship its not just their feelings its the others.....Its alot harder when you have a lingering third partys opinions in there..
if they stay friends I think it would be best if you went on trips with them,
It would make me wonder if your not invited.You are with him you and your feelings come first...
or if they talk on the phone I think you should be there too theres nothing wrong with that...I say tell him what would make you comfortable from this point on....if he really loves you he will do things to make you feel that way...
One thing I have learned in my relationship is saying ".......Is making me uncomfortable is there anything we can do together to change how im feeling....
I know it sounds dorky but hey it really works....
Moe
-
Permalink Reply by Moe Holmes on
-
Oh and another thing I wanted to say good for you for taking control of a situation.....its about time....You know we only do that when we have finally had enough....
And I hope it brings about a positive change for the bolth of you...
We all go through bumps in the road here and there in a relationship
its those bumps that help us learn more about eachother and how strong a relationship really is......
Okay okay I will shut up now lol Im rambling
:) Moe
-
Permalink Reply by Nancy Chappell on -
From what you have written it sounds like you both disrespected each others privacy, he for telling his friend about your condition and you for altering his friends account and so have broken the trust between you. Once this has happened it takes a lot of work to regain that trust and sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try it just doesn't work.
As for our partners friends not liking us, well they really don't have to nor us them, we just have to be respectful of each other and the role we play in our partners life. We dont have the right to tell anyone who they can and cannot be friends with just because we feel a little insecure.
The only thing I can suggest is you sit down with your partner and talk and I mean really talk about how you both feel and what you want in a relationship. It doesn't matter how much we love someone if they don't want the same thing its just not going to work. There is a wise saying, its harder to leave someone you love than someone you dont but for self preservation we some times have to do this.
Good luck and I hope you both find some peace and happiness
-
Permalink Reply by Dryads on -
look i'd be having none of this..... tell him straight dear it's her or me she sounds like a right madam so if he loves you then why does he even need her???? friendships come and g but if you are going to be married then he has to accept you and him have a future not him and her (unss she turns around then i dont see another way out of it) x blessings x
-
Permalink Reply by LadyPhoenix on -
I was so upset last night that I didn't go home. He came home from work and I asked him for a ride home from a auto shop because I needed to get work done. He flipped! Then I was trying to get a sweater down from the closet and knocked over some hangers... He got pissed at that too. I went to work in tears. Had an extremely shitty night and decided that despite my love for him, he needs to know that he can't treat me like that just because he's in a mood.
-
Permalink Reply by LadyPhoenix on
-
We've already been together for over 3 1/2 years and the changes we're making are only for the sake of improving what we have.
-
Permalink Reply by Lady Adara on -
I see a few issues with all of this:
1) People should not be made to "like" others if they do not feel compelled to do so. Like it or not, she DOES NOT have any obligation to like you just because she is friends with your man or because it is what you desire. It is very arrogant on your part to think you have the right to impose yourself on another.
2) Why do you even care if someone does not like you? It does not sound like you like her all that much, really. So what I am gathering is that you want to have a pretentious and hypocritical "friendship" with this woman... I ask why?
3) Giving anyone an ultimatum is not right... to request something of another is one thing, but to make one person choose between you and another.... bad move as far as I am concerned. That may come back to haunt you. If your man really wanted her out of his life, or he really cared for you two to get along then he would have initiated that with the woman without you prompting him. That tells me, he only did it to shut you up. Is that the reason you want someone to stand up for you?
4) Accessing his online accounts.... hmmm..... invasion of privacy is a sign of disrespect and not telling him does not speak much about the honesty in your relationship. Not good signs if you ask me.
5) She would rather lose his friendship than work on forming a little one with me. He keeps telling me not to take it so personal. How am I supposed to take it?
It is personal, hun.... she does not like you and would rather not be friends with someone who she has known for years... it can't get anymore personal than that.
Now, why you give a shit, I have no idea. You never liked her either, so where is the loss? You got what you wanted. You wanted her to be nice to you or get out of your man's life... she made a choice and got out of his life.... it is what you asked for. Where is the issue now? You were not happy when she was in his life... you are not happy now that she is not in his life because you do not like the reason she did it????
It sounds to me like there are issues in your relationship that go beyond the friend... but that is just my opinion.
-
Permalink Reply by LadyPhoenix on
-
1.) No one has to like me but they can at very least treat me with consideration and respect. I don't need to be made aware of their opinions.
2.) I think that we would have liked each other had she given her and I the chance to get to know each other. That's my annoyance. She did not know me well enough to dislike me and what little she did was hardly valid information anymore.
3.) I did not make him choose. I had dealt with the situation for a long time, as best I could but I had recently reached the point where I refuse to stay involved with him if he's going to keep in contact with her. Everyone has a breaking point. I finally have reached mine.
4.) He GAVE ME access to his accounts.
5.) I give a shit because he is attracted to her on some level and she is rude to me.
-
Permalink Reply by Rachel aka Mystikal-Sense on -
Lady P...
I'm not grasping WHY you have allowed him to treat you with such utter disrespect, not to mention total disregard for whom you're suppose to represent in his life....ie, his fiance, his other half, his wife someday, mother of his children someday... etc. etc.
Just because you have some personal *issues*, for the love of god, don't allow this to be a license for others to mistreat you or disrespect you as a person.
I'm not sure if the incident of him telling his g/f about your disabilities... was his first show of being a traitor to you ...regardless, in that instance, he completely failed you as your supposed life's-companion, particularly because he blabbed of your short-comings to someone who was causing tension in your relationship. DUH !!!
Tell me why you with this man???
IMO, there shouldn't be a question of him choosing her vs you ...or you vs. her .... it should be YOU & HIM ... and everyone else should follow.
And before people jump down my throat here for being narrow minded and not liberal minded .... I'm not implying ...that there shouldn't be outside friendships within a relationship, but when your fiance mastrubates to his best g/f's picture, and this best g/f is THE source of contention in so many other areas to begin with, that goes beyond being disrespectful to the other mate... it's a slap in the face for the other person, in my opinion.
Why isn't he mastrabating to a picture of YOU !!! or if doesn't want to play with himself to you, ok fine, then pick someone he doesn't know (like playboy's centerfold) to give little johnny a rise and fall... NOT the woman who is causing grief in his relationship.
Again, why are you with this man???
Maybe I am old fashioned also, (someone else said this too) but I truly feel a worthy relationship starts and ends with respect, trust and mutual admiration for one another.
There just has to exist SOME degree of these elements, or somewhere along the way, the relationship will end up falling apart.
While I truly feel extremely bad for you Lady P....on the other hand, I also feel you are enabling him to treat you... as if the role you play in his life, is very small and inconsequential. IMO, I think you need to do a little more damage than just going into his accounts and deleting her as his friend.
Just my two cents
- ‹ Previous
- 1
- 2
- 3
- Next ›
Find Us:
Iphone Coming Soon!
Birthdays
Birthdays Today
![](http://api.ning.com/files/M9YrlTXCVk*xHLrIdtAuyYfaxHvi6GJQfkCvzhQJ2ggxDEWNQCeGZUSrJ-gHMVkTl1W2mtv8rQUfjzkvkCawbrpAsLUwTAR0/psadsaleendoftheyear.jpg")
© 2013 PaganSpace.net
Powered by
Badges | Privacy Policy | Report an Issue | Terms of Service
