Hello everyone! My name is Lark, and I'm so excited to be here in this community of people who are gathering online to learn from each other, share experiences, and have a really great time!
I'd like to pose a question that I have been wrestling with since I came out of the closet at the top of the year. Please, if you'll indulge me for a little bit of background story before I get to the question.
I came out of the closet to my family (my two Moms and Dad) 2 weeks before my 21st birthday. My parents took it exceptionally well and were very loving and very supportive. My Mom and dad raised me Christian, however we were not Christian Nazis for lack of a better term. We didn't persecute people with our words, berate others with out beliefs, my parents did not teach me to hate or be hateful towards any group of people minority or majority. (I understand these are not fundamentals of Christianity but this is the experience of many in the LGBTQ community that come out to families of this faith.) Due to a series of unfortunate events, after my high school graduation I moved out of my mothers house andwent to live in New York living with family. The family that I'm currently living with are Christian Nazis and for a lesbian living in a Christian Nazi household, it has been very emotionally taxing and physically stressful.
Now, when I came to terms with my sexuality I had no qualms with the Christian God at all. I thought my relationship with him was perfectly fine, in fact I understood that I was made this way for a very good reason. And I also thought my relationship with other deities as well as having a relationship with him was perfectly fine. It was only until I tried to come out to particular family members (not my parents)in a very subtle and gradual way that I got a wake up call. These people were bigots racist and generally mean spirited and phony (it was actually a crushing realization) and they would never accept me. I became angry with the Christian God so much so that cursed him calling him all kinds of terrible names. I ended a relationship with my girlfriend because I began to judge her because of her Catholic faith. My bitterness ruined our relationship :( I was angry that she, a Transgendered woman, could be so happy with this God, and I can't, because of how my family acted towards other openly gay family members, and random members of the public...
My family still doesn't know that I'm gay. Though they may have an inclination, no one has confronted me about it. So they continue to say and do hurtful things towards people like me....
I am a firm believer in the idea that a healthy tree bears sweet fruit, and when I think of my family and the way that they act and how they are generally biased against those who are not seemingly a direcet reflection of themselves (black Caribbean heterosexual Christian God fearing) I hold the god that they worship in love responsible.
I use the example of socializing a child. It's the job of the parent and even the God parent to socialize the child on how that culture expects them to behave, but also changing it for the better....I don't see them dong that. And it makes me feel as If I will do that too...somehow...My awareness is killing me.
I'm angry with the Christian God and I don't want to be because now I'm angry with every aspect of the God. every single one. I associate the God energy with this particular God and it bugs me to even think about it. HOWEVER I realize that this imbalance is killing me. I CRAVE that balance, but I don't know how to achieve it...
So I posed two questions, the first not as important as the second.
Is anyone else or have anyone else going through something like this?
I have asked a few Wiccan and Witch pages on Facebook but they never reply to my questions. I kind of feel alone. I feel as if many women attach themselves to the Goddess aspect and they're perfectly fine with it and nobody wants to talk about Worshiping Gods. Or the God aspect isn't as important. I don't want to go from God heavy to Goddess heavy, I want both.
And the second most pressing question that bounces around in my brain every second of every day is how do I reconcile with God energy?
Thank you all so much in advance for your comments, concerns, questions, blessings well thoughts, rants, any and everything.I'm open to your loving energy, your encouraging energy. Thanks you!
Love, Light, and Blessed Darkness!
Thank you Gator! I didn't think of thinking of a loving male in my life...that's really helpful actually. I will have to pick up this book. I don't know why I want...I feel like this God is sitting at the cool kids table, and I'm so desperately trying to get him to like me:(
Is that silly? I feel silly feeling that way.
Well the best way to reconcile with the God energy, in my opinion, is to realize that The God is really more of an energy, as opposed to say a parent or some asshole priest that you know lol! The God and Goddess to me are like the Yin and Yang forces of the universe, not so much mom and dad. I had to get over my reluctance too. I haven't spoken to my father in 16 years and I have no intentions of doing so I had to get through the whole Male God as father issue. I would suggest one of two things if you want to help yourself. You could try to develop a relationship with an individual male deity. Also you could cast a circle, invoke the God by reading the Charge of the God, meditate and ask for emotional healing. Good luck.
Thank you Jason. I see the God and Goddess as energy too. I'll try to keep that in my mind, that I believe that, and not to get bogged down with the blah blah blah of breaking the chains of the past.
Thank you again, I think building a relationship with a male deity is a good idea. I'm pretty familiar with Jesus, but I can honestly say I have never looked up others! Now is the best time as any other I suppose lol.
No problem. I'd recommend the book The Encyclopedia of Spirits by Judika Illes or anything by her really.
I'll add that to the list along with Gators book! thank you!