How I feel lately...

Mornings are the worst for me... waking up alone makes me feel super anxious, which is a new feeling for me. I've known for many years that I suffer from depression, but it wasn't until the breakup that I started feeling something new - shaky and sick inside...

Another thing I never had a problem with before was thinking about death. I would never, ever take my own life, but I'm finding that when I am alone and hurting the thought comforts me a little. I love my family way too much to do anything like that. But I know it isn't a good sign.

I cry, a lot. I never used to cry. This one feels like a good symptom, though. It hurts like hell when I'm crying, but I feel good for a few minutes after I'm done.

It feels like I have no willpower or drive to do anything, even though I am out every single day looking for a job. I do force myself to get out and do things, since I can't seem to sleep. But this really isn't a new thing... this was with me long before I even knew Daniel (the ex). When I think about this particular feeling, the phrase "only the strong survive..." pops into my head and I think about how I am clearly not 'the strong.'

Another new irritation in my life is my jacked up sleep schedule. It doesn't matter what time I go to bed - 8pm, 10pm, midnight, 1am, 4am... I can't sleep past 6 in the morning. And I really, really want to! I feel like I haven't slept in months. When I am asleep I have dreams that make my mornings extra special, wink, wink.

I hate that breaking up with him has made things so much worse for me... I hate that I miss him... I really hate that he has seemingly moved on and I obviously have not...

Well, my appointment is in an hour. Wish me luck?

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Permalink Reply by Cindy Bidwell Glaze on July 25, 2009 at 11:29am: Luck & Love Jordon!
Next time ask about bipolar and be sure to tell therapist about sleep being off.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Le Herbalist on July 25, 2009 at 12:28pm: Thanks Cindy - we did talk about bipolar disorder. I am going to ask Peggy (my new therapist) about it when I see her next week.

So my new doctor, Joy, started me on 10mg of Lexapro. I am happy to report I haven't felt any symptoms that I felt with the other medications my old doctor had me take... I just wish these damn pills didn't take so long to work. I almost threw up this morning my stomach was twisting so hard. He was in my dreams again. I hate that so much.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Le Herbalist on September 2, 2009 at 3:28pm: Depression is a real bitch, isn't it Lisa. I know having a special someone doesn't make things better - I was still depressed while in my relationship, it was just easier for me to ignore it when I was with him.

I am taking medication (lexapro and cymbalta) and have been seeing a therapist weekly for about a month... I’ve been journaling my fingers to the bone too. Meditation is becoming easier for me to do, but it still takes more work than I feel it should?

Today has been a bad day. I dreamt of being with him all last night... caught me off guard, because I hadn't seen him in my dreams in quite a while. We were just cuddling... caressing each others backs, like we used to do every night. That is it... all night long... and I hate to admit it, but I enjoyed the dream, until I woke up and realized I had allowed myself to enjoy it.

How have you been, Lisa? I talk too much about myself :-p; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Wolven Witch on September 25, 2009 at 1:31am: First of all (hugs!) for the breakup. I had a relationship that went for 4 and a half years, and ended with the guy calling me a wide range of words and phrases that were added to my vocab. I haven't heard from him since, and I should have seen it coming, but being a young teen girl who thinks they found the perfect guy... Gods I'm an idiot. It's been that long since it happened and I still think about him sometimes... it's so hard to get over, especially when you have depression.
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Mornings are the easiest for me, I'm lucky enough to have a partner that understands I'm sick. He knows that he can't just make it better, all he can do is get me to talk, and hold me while I cry. I know it kills him inside, and I've tried to tell him to leave... he knows I can't break up with him and stay that way, he has to break up with me and well he of course, refuses. Nights are the worst for me though, it's when I do the most thinking, and death is often the subject that comes up. I completely understand where you're coming from Jordan about sleeping too. Unfortunately I wake up about 9-14 hours after going to sleep. If I sleep for less than 8 hours I count my blessings. Over (and under) sleeping is a sign of BiPolar, which I have, but it can be a very serious symptom and is bad for your body and mind.

I also have severe social anxiety, which has kept me from working now that my therapy dog is retired (they retire all dogs at around 10, even for small dogs like mine.) and I can't afford to train a new one. I'm great with customers, and I can survive co-workers after a few weeks of working, but management freak me out. I studder, shake, mutter... basically everything you're not suppose to do I can't help, and I've lost more then one job for it, even when I tell them that I don't mean to and I could be a great worker but ... shit happens I guess...

I dunno... I'm talking too much about myself and starting to feel guilty.

Oh wait, you do meditation as well? And yes - it's a lot more work then you think it should, and it takes a long while before it begins to become natural... I'm still working at it. What technique do you do?; ▶ Reply to This