ive had this down on paper for a long time, before i even knew twilight existed. enjoy!
aghhh...another long day over with. its finaly friday, which is a bonus. time to go home. its a long walk home, but i dont mind. i enjoy it realy,especialy at night, when i can enjoy a moonlight stroll. but for some reason, i get this feeling someone is following me. ever scince those gifts starting showing up at my door. a single black rose, everydayfor weeks, with a note that reads"from your secret admirer". i have enough to fill a greenhouse. maybe im just being paranoid. however, having someone admire me wouldnt be so bad. i dont have any friends, let alone a love life. im outed as a "loser" or "freak", for being different, my own views things, the way i dress and think. fashion, art, what it means to truly find the one you love. i wish my admirer would come out and say so. then again, im to shy to say anything either. well im finaly home with the sunsetting...with another rose on my doorstep. guess i'll add it to my collection. theres a note on my fridge, "honey, im working late tonight, and your brothers are at their sleepover. i left some money for you to see a movie, but make sure your home by 11:00, i dont want you out that late with your "stalker" girlfriend out there, oh and you will turn into a pumpkin. love, mom". thats my mom, always funny, but needs to loosen up about this admirer, whoever it is. i dont think they are actualy "stalking" me. ok, lets see whats playing...hmm, nothing im to intrested in, but mite as well go, its not like i have anything better to do. only some romance flick, and i think im the only one here. wait, someone just walked in, a beautiful girl. i wish i had the courage to talk to her, but i'll probably be rejected from someones life, again. movies over, ran longer than i expected. time to go, and another moonlight stroll. might as well check my cell phone calls. just one message, from mom. "Get your ass home rite now! Do you have any idea what time it is!". the time...the time! its almost midnite! well whats a few more minutes, its a nice night. i start walking home, with the moon and stars as my light and guide. "umm...excuse me..." huh? "you dropped your wallet back at the movie theater." my wallet...my wallet! man, id loose my head if it wasnt attached. i had no idea she was even following me. she seems so shy and timid, like she just faded from the shadows. "thanks so much." "umm...do you mind if i walk with you?" i start walking slower than i already am, starstruck, but almost paralyzed with fear. "of course" hiding how scarred i was in the inside. "im alice" she turned her head to me and blushed. her flowing black hair and deep brown eyes complimented her pale skin and crimsion painted lips. i tried making small talk, to ease my tension, "so...um...did you like the movie?" "ya, very romantic and funny". "did you like the flowers i sent you?" the flowers? how could she know about...unless she sent them?! "ya, there beautiful, you sent them?" she turned her head and blushed again, twitiling her fingers. i can see the moonlight in her eyes...so beautiful...so hypnotic. she looks back and i start feeling dizzy. im in a trance, but my heart was racing. "ya, that was me...i was to shy to say hi, so i thought id send a gift." she smiles and shows her teeth, they look like...fangs? "Alright, time to come clean, im a vampire. dont confuse me with some cliche movie though..." she move closer,putting her arms around my neck. my heart beats faster and faster. "you seem to be just the guy ive been looking for..." i feel my knees drop, but she holds me up. "ive seen you around. and how these people treat you,its so cruel." no matter what i do, she wont let me go."become like me...you will never face such hardships again...and we could find true love together and make it eternal..." become like her? never have to be an outcast, hated for being different? thats something ive always dreamed of, well not exactly like this. she licks my earlobe, "well?". i slowly break out of this trance and kiss her on the cheek. "okay". she blushes and smiles that innocent smile. "this is going to hurt a bit..." a sharp pain in my neck. she pulls away and wipes the dripping blood from her mouth. i start to stumble, feeling dizzy, my vision starts to get blurry. i collapse,but she catches me in her arms. "sleep now my sweet, im going to take you home now..." i finaly wake up, in a rather large bed. where am i? i look around the room and see a large mirror. what am i wearing? it looks like something a gothic-victorian noble would wear. and i must say, i look pretty good. i exit this giant bedroom, and see im in a giant mansion. and down the the grand stairs, and there she was. "hey sleepyhead, your awake!" there was the woman that changed my life. wearing a red ballroom gown, flowing about the mansion, dancing in the moonlight. "do you like my place? i know its old, but its classic. oh and i had to change your clothes, they has a nasty stain on them. its a full moon tonight, come dance with me!" and i ran down the stairs without a second thought. i didnt have to think of the painful life i left behind. we danced into the night. finaly, someone who love and accepts me for who i am with no judgement. i still write letters to my family,telling them im traveling abroud and met the girl of my dreams, and they write back they are happy for me, that i finaly found someone. its all playing out like that movie i saw so long ago. its been so long scince that fateful night.we have a garden of black roses and dance in the moonlight every night. and i feel this love is eternal...
I love it hun you always write such creative pieces!
I believe you have something here. You have a really good story. There are certain things that you might want to consider, however.
I'm a huge fan of white space. When I saw your story I honestly was about to dismiss it because there was no white space. White space is always easy on the eyes and is always your friend. If you want to allure people to read your piece I highly advise to include plenty of white space. It can only help you, not hurt you.
Second, I think your story has really great potential! I would like for you to explore why this human guy is an outcast. Why he's different and considered a freak by others. Is there a scene that shows this without you telling us that's he's weird? Did something happen in school that made people stare at him oddly? Can you describe what his interests are, how his clothes look like, without you telling us? Basically, more show and less telling. By doing this it will add to many more pages and we readers get to understand who this guy is, why he feels so alone, why people think he's a freak, etc.
The climax of his secret admirer turning him into a vampire is something that should not be explored immediately. It should be something that you anxiously and deliciously anticipate happening. If you give the readers what they want right away, you loose them. You want to keep them hooked to your story as you reel them in for more. Then repeat the process. Until, by the end of the book, they are left wanting more. Give a little, enough to get them hooked, but not too much.
Is the guy's mother accepting of him? Show it. Where is his Father? Is your main character bitter and angry because his Father died, cheated on his Mom, or abandoned them? Is he bitter at something else? Is there some kind of issue going on in this guy's life that makes him feel so alone? Explore that. Show us.
Why is this female vampire interested in him? Does she know him from a previous life? Was this guy a vampire in his previous life and he does not remember? There are so many questions that you can use to give more life to your character. We want to know who this guy is. We want to feel his despair, his anger, his sadness, his happiness. Show it to us. Make us fall for this character. If you can't make your reader fall for this character, then readers are not going to care. Make us care. Show us.
You are indeed a very good writer. I suggest you put yourself in this guy's shoe and experience his emotions. Feel what he feels. See what he sees. And then write it all down. Later you can tackle the female vamp. But if this guy is the main character of your story then you need to make us fall in love with him. To make us feel sorry for him. To make us cheer him on when he faces a difficult period in his life.
If you have any questions, you can email me anytime. I really do think you have something good here! Explore it. It will take you far!!! :)