Taranushi Risen: Intro
On the outskirts of Riayad, Arabia, a new temple was being excavated. Several archeologists were working in white shorts with t-shirts in roped-off areas. Dust filled the air, making it hard to breath. The sun's bronze rays pummeled them with oppressive heat. The sky was an ocean of sapphire high above them--like an unreachable ocean of cool, refreshing water that the archeologists longed for.
Elizabeth was a British archeologist who was fascinated with Arabian archeology and its history and religion. Brushing her blond hair back as she wiped the sweat from her forehead, which had gotten in the way of her pale blue eyes, she sighed. The heat strangled her and suffocated her, but she was too excited about the events of the past few days to let it get to her. Somehow, the empty deserts' sparseness of life and rain seemed spiritual to her, as well as strangely comforting.
She didn't have to face her past here--she was invisible since no one knew her except her colleagues at work. She was searching for something, and had felt drawn to Saudi Arabia ever since she was in high school. She was certain she could find it here. However, it had evaded her thus far.
Waves of stifling heat rose like mating snakes levitating towards the sun. She drank from her water bottle. Chugging down the water brought little relief. Suddenly, a wind picked up as her friend Jules opened a chest that he had just uncovered. It was ornately carved with intricate, strange designs of every imaginable color.
The strange wind made a menacing, hissing noise. It then formed into the monstrous shape of a huge demon with fiery red scales and long talons. They gleamed beneath the bronze sun's rays. Its burning yellow eyes bored through her skin, making her shiver in terror. An evil grin split the demon's face as it spoke. Maggots crawled out of his gaping mouth, which was filled with razor sharp teeth. Horns protruded from its shriveled head.
"You who dare to disturb my resting spot will be punished for your blasphemous behavior, for I am Taranushi Risen!"
With that it vanished, as if it had never been.
* * *
Elizabeth was a British archeologist who was fascinated with Arabian archeology and its history and religion. Brushing her blond hair back as she wiped the sweat from her forehead, which had gotten in the way of her pale blue eyes, she sighed. The heat strangled her and suffocated her, but she was too excited about the events of the past few days to let it get to her. Somehow, the empty deserts' sparseness of life and rain seemed spiritual to her, as well as strangely comforting.
She didn't have to face her past here--she was invisible since no one knew her except her colleagues at work. She was searching for something, and had felt drawn to Saudi Arabia ever since she was in high school. She was certain she could find it here. However, it had evaded her thus far.
Waves of stifling heat rose like mating snakes levitating towards the sun. She drank from her water bottle. Chugging down the water brought little relief. Suddenly, a wind picked up as her friend Jules opened a chest that he had just uncovered. It was ornately carved with intricate, strange designs of every imaginable color.
The strange wind made a menacing, hissing noise. It then formed into the monstrous shape of a huge demon with fiery red scales and long talons. They gleamed beneath the bronze sun's rays. Its burning yellow eyes bored through her skin, making her shiver in terror. An evil grin split the demon's face as it spoke. Maggots crawled out of his gaping mouth, which was filled with razor sharp teeth. Horns protruded from its shriveled head.
"You who dare to disturb my resting spot will be punished for your blasphemous behavior, for I am Taranushi Risen!"
With that it vanished, as if it had never been.
* * *
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Christin Keck on -
So far it's pretty exciting, but if you were putting this up here for comment and critique I do have one thing: Watch those misplaced modifiers.
Your sentence: Several archeologists were working in white shorts with t-shirts in roped-off areas
is an example of a misplaced modifier. The clause "in white shorts and t-shirts" should be closer to the noun it modifies, i.e., "Archeologists", rather than placed after the verb "working". Your placement makes it sound as if the roped off areas have the white shorts and t-shirts instead of the archeologists. A better construction for this sentence would be "several archeologists IN WHITE SHORTS AND T-SHIRTS were working in roped off areas."
Another instance of a misplaced modifier is where you say Brushing her blond hair back as she wiped the sweat from her forehead, which had gotten in the way of her pale blue eyes, Again, you have the clause "the sweat from her forehead" in a place that makes it sound as if it is her forehead that is getting in the way of her pale blue eyes, not her hair or the sweat.
Misplaced modifiers and dangling modifiers can make sentences sound unintentionally humorous.
Just a suggestion.
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