Lost

As an adolescent I developed a pretty severe panic disorder (a form of anxiety) and found ways to cope with that. Then in 2008 I had a  big three hit me like a mac truck – my grandfather died, my engagement/relationship ended and I was diagnosed with stargardt’s. The effect of stargardt’s was a slight visual impairment making it impossible for me to obtain my drivers’ licence, a requirement for any job in the field I went to college for. My grandfather was my best friend, my hunting partner and my hero. He went into the hospital one day for routine blood work and he never left the hospital alive. My engagement to my first real love ended when my fiancé who was abroad for contract work decided he didn’t want to come home. I also lost my cat due to a careless roommate. This all happened within a 4 month period.

My occasional pot smoking began to morph into a daily event. I used to smoke pot with others and by myself. I smoked pot before most major events, but not before school. I would smoke pot then go to the gym, smoke pot then go hang out with friends, and even smoke pot with my sister on the way to visit our parents. Pot became a band aid for a bullet would, so to speak.

I struggled to find employment. I struggled to find a meaningful relationship. I struggled to connect with my friends and family. I moved to a new school in a new field of work in a new town. I enjoyed my studies and made a few friends. I was able to grow my first ever garden, however, every time I planted something a beastie would come in the dead of night and snatch my plants from the soil. I spent a lot of time with the two younger children who lived above me. I was still smoking pot every day. I was living, but I felt nothing. Every time I tried to rise up in the world something would kick my legs out from under me and emotionally I was becoming a basket case.  

I went home for winter break. I stayed with my sister and spent as much time as possible with friends. Just before I was to go back up to school I bumped into an old friend. With a little bit of liquid courage he confessed that he had always had a crush on me and I admitted I did as well. I went back to school and found myself wishing I were still at home. A few weeks later I moved home, completing my courses long distance. I didn’t do well in my courses but I passed. I still had a year left before graduation. Today my peers went back to school and I did not. I stayed home. Here, living with my boyfriend, my dog, cat, snake and my boyfriend’s daughter’s new chinchilla. Here, without a job, a direction a purpose…

I don’t mean to sound like I am not where I want to be. I want to be here at home with the man of my dreams but I just feel so unhappy every day. I have been accepted for the Ontario Disability program and so money will not be a problem anymore, but I just feel stagnant. I don’t know what I should be doing with myself, and my depression holds me back from taking a step in any direction.