Yes I am posting this openly as there are people that have gone through things just like I have and probably even more. I posted this on a group to someone that was going through something rough I didn't realize the post was made in 2010. But I figured after looking back over it to edit to help him It deserves to go somewhere else that could be as useful and hopefully someone will see it that needs it.
Also I am open to comments, responses and guidance that could help as well and more insight! This isn't in anyway to promote myself or me seeking pity but to only help. I have overcame a lot of the things I am sharing with you is why I can speak openly about it and to show others not to be afraid to either.
Also doing this helps me be creative and hopefully can benefit others in my spare time instead of doing something else that wouldn't.
Hey man I wanted to say as I am today openly able to share this with you to help you, I too have been through everything you have and more. My dad tried to kill my mother a few times in her sleep. He was abusive to her, me, and my sisters. I was molested.
I have been through relationships where I have been done wrong lost a child, lost my nephew this past year, and been through other situations with people and in the army where I somehow manage to slip away from bad things happening and things people could have done to me.
I have even going through these things became like those people and have past demons from things I should not have done in the past I have done.
I have repented for my sins and now see that it wasn't really more or somewhat my fault I just didn't understand and know what else to do.
Growing up in an environment that I grew up in I already had a negative mindset as I was little and couldn't do anything to help my mom or speak up. I felt powerless and defenseless.
It carried over in my thought patterns as a kid thinking for most of my life until the past few years when I joined the military that this is who I was and all I was. I wasn't open to other people, shy, thought negative.
Alot of these things we have to overcome even if we don't want to. These hurts will change you and make you be who you are not.
Don't let these things weigh you down and change you to someone your not for the rest of your life. It's not good and it's not worth it. I went in a downward spiral for years like you are now.
But don't think of it is a bad thing and know you can go back and be who you used to be. Maybe not all at one time and maybe not now but in time you can. You just can't give up, you gotta keep going and moving forward the best you can one day and one step at a time.
Don't regret anything. Don't blame yourself. If you could have done better at somethings then accept it and work on that.
You can't change the other person and the other person didn't really care if they did you that way. Take care of yourself. Try to work on yourself, read books on how you feel and how to deal with them, talk to people and friends that will listen and care.
I have had people play a game on me where they are your best friend and will invite you over and then try to screw you over, kill you, or worse.
Because they see you are a good guy so they take advantage of you. They see your weaknesses.
People are able to observe others watch their actions and facial expressions to play off of you. Don't listen to their words watch their actions and behavior.
Your are the best no matter what. You are great and always remember that. Don't throw your life away like I could have and almost did many times in the past over things such as this.
It's not worth it. Look at the good that you learned from the bad and see what you could not have learned if it didn't happen. The more you grow spiritually you will see why these things happen and where they come from.
I could tell you but it wouldn't help because you have to experience and understand it spiritually and if you knew or believed what it could be it might make you feel worse as you won't see the good in it.
You have to fall before you can get back up and you have to crawl before you can walk.
If you don't you will never know how to blow it off get back up and keep moving forward.
Your goal now is to overcome and to adapt. To learn to not let the past bother you and haunt you or control you.
Your dad situation. My mom was the same way. You have to speak up and do something.
I know your afraid of maybe what he might do or say to her as I was. But if you care about your mom you have to do what you have to do no matter what if it's right and so no harm comes.
He can't do anything to you. Do what you have to without causing any or too much harm in the process. Your mom deserves to be treated better and you do to.
I hope this helps you and you don't get offended by me trying to help like someone else I tried to help did.
Also don't worry about what nobody else thinks it doesn't matter. What matters is what you think and know about yourself and those who help you.
People have shunned me away, would not help me in the past, they looked down on me, spat on me, and told me I was crazy or trying to get attention because I sought help and whatever else.
But you know what? I am still here still standing today no matter what they made me tougher. I did something they were afraid of and because I can do it and I am still doing it I know you and everyone else can too.
You just have to try and want to is all you need to do.
You know everything you do, every choice you make, every thought you think, every action you do, and what it causes, every thing you have done right or wrong, what your intentions were and were not. You know yourself better than anyone else.
So trust and believe in yourself and see this. Change the way you think.
Also you have to learn to see through, around, and beyond things, ie, objects, words, people, things etc..
The space between thought is who you are pure being. The ego is what gets us caught up in the sufferings and attachments of life that bind us and create karma. The false "I" identity and attachment this eye is binds us thinking we are our body mind and emotions.
It can never show or reveal to us our true nature because our nature is not identity with our name, our lives, our friends, our car, or anything else in this life experience we live.
We are and can be our own worse enemy not seeing what we need to see because because we stay so caught up and attached to our lives and suffering that our ego causes as it wants to feel pain and suffering.
The Ego sees two people in a relationship and thinks that is love and if I don't have that I am lonely and not loved.
The ego is duality. But your not. When you step in the thoughts between space in your inner void you will not want or need love as you are already love itself. If I told you the reason why these things happen to you or things you go through in life you wouldn't like it and might feel bad as you won't experience and understand why to see why it's ok and to accept it but when you grow spiritually you will.
Just know these things happen for you to grow and learn, and do have some karmic ties that need to be healed and happen to teach you not to do it again to get caught up in the circle if not.