For several years now I've been following a Wiccan tradition, embracing the duality of God and Goddess and trying to incorporate that into my rituals, etc. The usual Wiccan bit. The funny thing is, whenever I have experimented with actual castings and spells,moreso than Sabbat celebrations, I just don't feel anything. Now, that doesn't bother me so much in itself. If it's not the right time for something in my life, then I can't force it no matter how much I want it. The thing that bothers me, and has led me to start questioning myself, is that I'm still lacking any connection to a God figure whatsoever.
Every year around this time for at least the past two years, the Goddess Brigid pretty much smacks me in the forehead and announces herself as being around. I always "lose" my favorite necklace, the porcelain one with her image on it, and happen to find it just in time for Imbolc. Hell, i even get milk cravings, which is kind of weird, lol. I think that it's because I'm very much a creative person and all about new beginnings, so her energy just seems to fit. I'm certainly not going to complain if the Goddess known for the "creative spark" wants to be in my life.
So here's the rub. Where does the God fit in? Is it some kind of cosmic clue that I'm simply a Goddess worshipper? I do tend to feel more in touch with the lunar energies and feel female presence rather than male. Maybe it's a lesbian thing, lol. I do have more polytheistic tendencies than I used to and I find that Pantheons of Gods make more sense than pairs. I also think it's weird to have to plug deities into a ritual form like an algebra equation.
I've been meditating where I can, I just also wonder if I'm missing the obvious. If there's no God right now, maybe there doesn't need to be. I still embrace a Wiccan code of ethics, I don't harm others or override free will. I've never met anyone who follows the Dianic tradition, so that's something to look into also. So I'm one step forward, two steps back. I'm more in touch with some aspects of my spiritual side, and completely in the dark again with respect to other aspects. Life is cyclical, like the seasons. Spring is a time of change, and it's just around the corner.