I need to get over this fear I've felt about the paranormal and spirit visitors. Some years ago I worked on developing my psychic gifts, then ceased for...well...many reasons. I knew I wasn't mature enough at the time to use them properly. I had what you would call a "guru complex" or the "special snowflake syndrome". It got me into quite a bit of trouble, and when I realized these things I stopped altogether so no one else would be injured due to my immaturity.
That and I was afraid. Power frightens me. I'm a rather meek little person. A "goody-two shoes". I'm afraid of what I might turn into if I abandon my safety zone and grow outward. I've already become a great deal more grounded, more focused and confident. Which may be pathetic to some, as I am still what many would call a weakling. I have been told I am like Rabbit: always nervous, on edge, passive, watching, running. Always the prey. I'm not really sure how to be a predator, nor am I certain if I -want- to be one.
But I digress. This comes to fear. Things that go bump in the night. Visitors who scare the shit out of me, send me towards a panic attack. Having anxiety disorders sucks big time, but I don't want them to stand in the way of my spiritual or psychic development...nor of any other area of my life. I've managed to get a job, I'm moving out...making huge changes. Most of it exterior, physical, mental...I've been negligent of my spiritual side. I need to bring spirituality back into my life, I'm just not sure how to. Which path? Wicca is a definite no. Not for me. I've considered Asatru but I don't feel like its the right fit (despite my connection with Odin and his Ravens). I am too connected with the Fae...I am of the Fae. Of the Earth. And...maybe its time to reknew my investigation into Druidry. I've long wanted to follow that path, but I want the experience if an in-person mentor, not just to read about it in books or on the internet. That's the problem.
But I won't give up. I suppose we make do with the resources we have available until something better comes along. In any case, I'm going to try an experiement tonight...I'm going to take down my uber intense shields and see what happens. I need to let the spiritual back into my life, and having such barriers up constantly is probably an immense drain on myself...and depriving me of experiences. So....here it goes...