I want to share some wisdom of mine, that I've acquired(finally after 41 years on this planet) which can hopefully save someone from from making the mistakes I've made.
Anyone who has read my blogs or knows me personally knows that drama seemed to follow me around like a bad penny. If you want to listen to all my blathering on about my drama feel free to peruse my previous blog posts. I don't think you need to, but I have no issue with it at all.
I was miserable. I was angry and bitter. I was feeling sorry for myself, and even when I wasn't feeling sorry for myself I was still stuck in a rut. Stagnant. Unhappy.
I've seen the effects of foreclosure, although it wasn't my home, i lived there and had to move, yet again to another house. it's been a long time since I've had a place to call "home". I've been(and still am) broke, I've been depressed, even teetered on the brink of that dark hole of depression nobody ever wants to teeter on. I've had(and still do) health problems and issues in my body that made it so difficult for me to clean a dish let alone to take a shower or even get a good nights sleep. I've dealt with emotional attacks on me because of those health problems and my lack of "work around here that I am lazy" despite the fact on my good days this place is spotless and I was also doing homework with the children, laundry, and running errands, not to mention my days volunteering at school(which I loved by the way and would still do no matter how crappy I felt when I woke up)... and yet here I am ladies and gentleman, I'm still standing thank you very much. I persevered.
I love to bake. I've always loved toying around with new recipes and designs and playing around in the kitchen. I would bake for friends birthdays, and my one friend who I use to work for looked forward to the holidays when I would bring in tons of baked goods for her and the employees. I sent gifts in the mail to some friends, I just put love and energy into my baking. It is my passion in life. The thing I absolutely LOVE to do with and without my children to help me. Then friends of mine started commenting on my baking skills. "You should open a bakery Barb" they would tell me. "I think you've found your calling in the kitchen" others would say. I'd giggle. Yeah, right, open my own bakery, I can't even open a bank account and my credit sucks, I'm stuck in a dead-end relationship and I have all these children of mine to care for how will I go to school. Nobody will loan me money, who will watch the kids for me? How will I do homework and their homework too?
We all make them at one point and time in our life. The thing is excuses are just ways for us to hinder our growth and possibly our happiness. Instead of making excuses, and dwelling on the negative, look for the hidden(and not so hidden) signs in your life that are right there in front of you and DO SOMETHING to change your situation. Make it happen. You can sit and complain about the shitty husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend OR you can decide "screw them, I'm going to do what makes me happy" and then figure out come hell or high water how you will. It's okay to be a little selfish in the short term, if it means giving of yourself freely in the long run to care for those that need you the most. What's that phrase "if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy"? (maybe it was a song I don't know LOLL) It's most difficult to care for others who need you if you can't care for yourself. If you can't provide for yourself, the basic essentials needed to make your life satisfying and rewarding how can you provide that to your children?(spouse, friends etc...).
I am back in school. I am determined to get the best grades I can. Everything just seemed to flow into place for me once I decided in my mind and my spirit to make it happen. No matter what "drama" I had in my life, somehow, someway those little tiny obstacles that came up seemed to magickally disappear because this is what I WANTED to do, what i NEEDED to do too.
I've had an amazing support system too. Friends, family, who are there for me encouraging me and helping me through it all. Good times and bad, they have been here for me nonstop. I am so blessed. Although one person thinks I will not make it the first six weeks of school and will fail, I realized that this person's opinion doesn't matter to me anyway. Kind of like that annoying bug when you are outside in the summer enjoying a glass of tea and that fly keeps coming around buzzing in your ear. Eventually you either shoo it away or smash it with a magazine. Ignore the negative and relish in the positive comments of others to keep you on your way to your goals.
It's not easy. Happiness and reaching your goals will not just be handed to you on a silver platter. God, Goddes, Great and Powerful Oz or whomever your deity of choice is will not just magically place happiness into your lap. It kills me when people say "I need a spell to get money" or "I need a spell to find someone to love" or "I've prayed for weeks and I'm still unemployed" all the while while sitting on their ass and not doing a damn thing to MAKE it happen. That's actually a blog for another day,but you see where I am going with this in reference to my blog here and now.
You have to work for what you want in life to make it happen. Sitting on your couch in front of your tv on the laptop, eating chips and dip and whatever else is in the kitchen cabinets, while bitching about how shitty your life is, won't make it happen(I've been there too, I speak from experience on this one). YOU make it happen. YOU choose your desitny. YOU make it work.
I've lived the "Poor me party" life. I didn't like it much. Took me the past 6 years of my 41 on the planet and a shit load of drama to realize that I've got one life to live, and I'm going to do just that. Live it and not loathe it. Life's too short. I have kids, I have goals and dreams and so many things I want to do for my children, for others and for me. I want to someday have enough money to donate to the school where my children go to and assist teachers in the classrooms with basic supplies(crayons, paper, workbooks and books for the children); I also want to help domestic violence victims. I want to move to the East Coast and watch my children enjoy the breathtaking views of a sunset near the beach. To be able to see and walk in REAL green grass; to build a damn snowman...the little pleasures of life. To enjoy the company of neighbors and friends and family at holiday barbecues in the summer and dinners in the winter.
I see it. I feel it. I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I CHOOSE to be happy. I CHOOSE to make my life and my children's lives better.
So to those of you who are stuck.... quit wallowing in self-pity. It's okay to have a pity party, we are human, not unemotional robots, but for goodness sake, take a weekend for the pity party, dust yourself off and get the hell off the couch, out of bed and make your life happen. Make it fulfilling, make it one you look forward to waking up to every morning.
True, I'm only 1/4 of the way to my goals. I have some things I still need to overcome. And yes, there will be days I will bitch and moan, but they won't last as long as they use to. Because I know that when graduation day comes and I have that job and that bank account and that freedom of independence some day all of the obstacles will just be a tiny blur on my life's radar.
So, keep your head held high, keep your support system near and just KNOW IT, OWN IT, BELIEVE IT and it will happen. You WILL reach your true happiness if you take it one day at a time.