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How can I revive the dead part of me?- Advice Needed

When I was younger and didn't have cynical thoughts about love and men I loved and loved hard. My first was with Roger, who cheated on me with my best friend. I lost my virginity to him, I loved him, spent ungodly amounts of money on him, bought him everything he wanted. I worked multiple jobs to give him the best Christmas that I could afford. I expect nothing but loyalty and respect and in return was denied that. I hated him for his betrayal. 


My second love was Mike. He was hard of hearing like me, we used ASL (sign language) to communicate and it felt like we had our own special world. I loved him so much. He had seen me at my worse and best and loved me either way it seemed. We spent equal amounts of love, time, money on each other. He didn't break my bank and I didn't break his. I wanted equality with Mike but when I finally said "I love you" he replied with "I love you too, just not the way you love me."... I was denied my equality. My heart broke into pieces. I couldn't believe it. He eventually realized that what he felt was love, he asked for me back and we tried... for a week maybe but I had already built my wall higher. It was this point that I started to build my grudges, self esteem issues and preconceptions about men.


Greg.... he was the first one that showed me some type of unequivocal form of worship. I showed him nothing but friendship at the most and he took that friendship and manifested love from it. He was devoted, and clingy. It didn't last long. I expected nothing but took everything from him (emotionally).


My third serious relationship was with David. I wasn't in love, I was in lust but I adored him because he treated me like a queen. I was barely around for my Senior year in high school. I would leave and go to his house where he lived with his dad. David was out of school and worked here and there. We where all potheads. I would show up at his house, we smoked pot it seemed like forever then we would have sex and sleep the rest of the day away until it was time for me to go home. He always showered me with gifts. I had no responsibilities and was plenty sedated to accept any love he would give me. I used him more then anything. I used him for company. I expected nothing from our relationship but welcomed his worship. I broke up with him.... it broke his heart. I didn't feel sorry, nor compassion for him. I felt full.


Then along came Shawn.... a sub-par bassist, undiagnosed sociopath, that had a son who he saw every other weekend. His ex was as crazy as the best of them but she had reason. With Shawn as her sons father and a mother like hers... I'd be fucked up too. He was the broken boyfriend. I saw him and wanted to help him, fix him, make him happy. His family disliked me, I loved his little boy. We started off okay like most but then I realized he was an abuser. He cheated on me and I stayed. Convincing myself that it was better for his son that he had at least one 'sane' person near by. I worked and paid half of the bills or as many as I could afford on my small pay check. He was making damn good money but I never saw any of it. He was selfish, mean, hateful, spiteful. If I didn't do something he liked I was refused companionship and love. I thought sex was my only connection with him until he took that away as punishment for things. I had nothing, I was an empty shell. I locked myself in our bathroom multiple times, I even ran away... but every time I came back, more defeated then the next. I broke up with him but couldn't afford to move out, while we where separated but living together I met my now husband. He felt like such a relief from Shawns evil and hatred. I ran to Brandon as quickly as possible. Eventually Shawn found out and swore up and down that we hadn't split. He forced himself on me the night before I moved out. I cried and pleaded for him to stop. He did after he realized what was happening I guess.  I expected a miracle and got a nightmare.


I moved out the next day by taking out a loan from my dad. I moved out and started over... yet again. Brandon and I continued our relationship and I gave him a key to my apartment that I was affording by myself... barely. A few days later I came home and he had moved in. My heart sank. I couldn't believe that my freedom had been taken away from me so quickly. He said he would move out, it wasn't a problem. But I felt horrible for making him do that. I cared for him. I would just see where it went. After a short time we started talking about marriage. Part of me felt like if I didn't do it now I never would, the other part of me felt like if I legally attached myself to him it would make things more.... force able. We would have to work things out, we would have to think about things together or pay a high fee for lawyers to split us apart. Which neither of us could afford or would cough up.

I was Brandons first everything. The floozie in me felt like I won the jack pot! The sensible person felt like I signed on for more then I could handle. I noticed his impressionable mind, his morals where more like that of a knight. He valued loyalty, commitment and honor and therefore returned that to the people around him. His downfall is his innocence. He believes and trusts any male figure he comes in contact with, still searching for that daddy figure I guess in some way. 

We got married and started for a family. By this time I had quit my job and become a home maker. We survived on his very small paycheck and he did a wonderful job providing. He hated it but he did it. I could of made it a lot easier on him but after the miscarriage I basically just refused to work anywhere but home. I guess I felt like all the toxins and stress permeated my womb and helped in the demise of our first child.

During all of this my feelings for Brandon stayed even. I loved him but I wasn't gaga for him like I had been for my first two loves. I always asked him if he thought we where 'meant to be'.... he always chuckled. No doubt in my mind that Brandon loves me. He has been through so much with me and for a first relationship too. He has stuck around through thick and thin, has never hit me or said anything horrible to me.... nothing that couldn't be forgiven with a hug and kiss. He reminds me of me in the beginning. Being taken advantage of at times but being the ever so loyal person he is.

We had Seth, its been a few years now and I still love him, but once again I'm not gaga over him even though I know I have every reason to be. I want to be gaga over him I want to please him in every way possible but I got so use to the past that its difficult starting over and really loving someone like in the beginning. 

We have had some recent issues which have caused me to distance myself even further. Its nothing horrible either, he isn't cheating or anything like that but its caused me to question a lot of things. I confided in him what I've been questioning and it hurt him so bad that his actions caused me to doubt certain things, he vowed to be better and so far he has been so good. He has really stepped up to the plate and has turned it around. I should love him even more for this but I still can't get over these walls, these protective barriers I've made for myself.


So my question. After reading all of this, how can I get back that part of me that died so many years ago. How can I get back to the beginning where I loved and did so completely. When I didn't have walls and electric fences around my heart? Any help would be appreciated.

Views: 16

Comment by thesacredkitchen on June 10, 2011 at 2:25pm

good to see you didn't read it either Cage...


Thank you Sat for giving at least moderately beneficial advice


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