And I'm not going to continue apologizing for my existence.
I've absolutely had it with this mother of mine. She expects us all to sacrifice everything for her wants. She forced us to move to a shitty old house against our will. Well, alright, she gave us a choice. Either we moved with her or she'd leave us. She expects me to not have my own life and continually complains that I "don't care about the family and am only interested in my self".
Um. I'm 24 years old. I'm a young adult, with a job, and her own life. So yeah...my position in the family isn't the same as what it use to be. Its because I grew the fuck up like kids are supposed to. She doesn't want me to get ahead in life, she wants me to put myself behind, to sacrifice everything for her convenience.
She really pissed me off yesterday. Granted, she might not have meant what she said the way she said it, as she attested later, but I'm so fucking tired of being treated like a burden. WHY on earth would you let me live here if you were going to hold it over my head, and remind me at every opportunity that you're permitting me to live here out of the generosity of your heart, and shouldn't I be more grateful. You treat me like shit. You treat my dad like shit and you treat my brother...like shit sometimes.
My dad and I have always been close. I am - admittedly - a Daddy's Girl...because my mother was such a fucking dictator all my life. If you went to her with a problem, she'd yell at you for bothering her. She'd tell you how ugly you were when you cried. Then she'd send you away after throwing a fit. My dad, would at least sort of listen. And if he didn't totally listen, at least he understood and was compassionate to the best of his ability. My mom doesn't even try to understand. To be honest, I don't know why I'm so fucking hard to comprehend. She complains about me being a stranger, but she never held me when I cried, she never was actually a mother to me the way a mother is supposed to be. So how am I supposed to be close to her when she's always been abusive? News flash: people don't feel loving to people who treat them like shit. Guess she didn't get the memo.
She was all upset this week and crying because my dad treats her like an inconvenience. My dad is 57 years old. He's worked 2 jobs most of his life, and worked his ass off to fix up our old house exactly as she wanted. Then she uproots us, and moves us to a house that requires a ton of work...and he's tired. And old. So yeah, her constant demands ARE an inconvenience. She doesn't even appreciate the work he does do for her, she just bitches, moans and throws a fit about what he doesn't do regardless of what he does accomplish. I wish my dad would just leave her already. I've been praying for a divorce since I was in grade school.
I'm just moody. I'm out of Prozac. I've been taking my moms, but I don't want to anymore because I don't want her to hold something else over my head. She doesn't want to pay the money for me to get more. Fine. I won't take any at all. I don't have health insurance, I can't afford a Doctor's visit at this time. I will be able to when I'm down in Texas, so I just have to pull through till then. I know I can do it. At this point I'd rather suffer than ask for her assistance. I literally almost packed my stuff to go to a homeless shelter yesterday. I'm just so fucking tired of this shit. I know I'm moving out in 44 days, but I'm not sure my sanity can last that long. I'm trying to find someone to live with until I have to move. Its tough though. All my friends are young and part time workers too. Its tough being a young adult in this day and age. There's so much pressure. And so little money. And if your parents won't or can't help you get ahead, you're stuck where you are.