Saturday, June 24, 2017
I came home from work today and found Kitten on the couch with a large bottle of Vodka. Kitten is my lover. Most people call her Kitty, but I call her Kitten. I went over and tried to persuade her to let go of the Vodka. She finally let me take it and pour it out. I sat down on the couch beside her and asked her what’s wrong. Apparently, she visited her mother today. Just saying that, even in a journal, makes my blood boil. But, I’m not mad at Kitten. Every time we visit her mother, she always says she wished she had a boy or at least a child that dated men and not women. She’s nice to me, but wishes I didn’t exist, I guess. Kitten tries to help her around the house, but her mother never says thank you, never asks how Kitten is doing, only says I love you when she wants something, and never offers to help Kitten with her medical bills from all the abuse of her childhood. Every time she visits her mom, she comes home like this. I encouraged her to stop smoking. She said she would if I stopped hurting myself. We are both kind of messed up I guess. But, we still love each other, and we rarely lapse into smoking or hurting ourselves anymore. Anyway, I just took Kitten’s face in my hands today, looked deep in her eyes and told her I loved her and that I would protect her. I told her she needs to try and create distance from her mother and her many boyfriends. Her mom has created a web around Kitten, and it is hard for her to escape feeling guilty for not helping her mom. But, it kills her when she is around her mom, so I’m trying to help her not to go into the web. I should know, I was abused once, though not by my mom, which is a much more complicated form of abuse. I cried a little, but Kitten doesn’t cry much. She had to learn to be tough, and the horrors she knows, many I don’t even know. But, I have my own horrors and pain. We held each other. It’s us against the world, we have no support, but I know we’ll be okay. We just sat there, holding each other for an hour or more. We almost fell asleep like that. Anyway, I love Kitten and Kitten loves me. That’s all that matters in this world of pain and suffering.