I am sitting here, in pajamas, staring at a computer screen with a less than attractive expression on my face. Then i realized i didn't even know why sot i took a moment to figure it out. Discontentment. It has infected me- my body, my spirit, my home.
Discontentment starts internally and manifests externally. It is reflective; a mirror you don't want to look into but you do anyway. For many days i have felt ridiculously tired, both hungry and with no appetite, my body has felt ill (every time i ate, regardless of the content it would make me feel sickly), my smile faded, and my dreams poked at a festering wound. My home suffered as well. I work full time and attend school full time, so it is easy for my home to look like the wreckage from Hurricane Katrina. Though, usually, i clean it. It has the affect of ocean waves, it becomes messy- i clean. I mess it up, I clean. It holds this natural rhythm with a mental alarm clock. I guess i hit the snooze button?
I believe, and this is no new discovery, that the exterior can be a reflection of the interior and vice versa. Discontentment may start on the inside but it can also fester become infected based on your surroundings. I know that when i walk through my door and my apartment is sparkling clean and smells wonderful, my bed made, and my closet neat and organized, I FEEL amazing. It makes my day better. It also works the opposite. If i come home to clutter, dirty dishes, a messy carpet, etcetera, i feel disheartened and lazy, and tired. How can i feel better inside if my home isnt how i want it to be? I can't, not successfully.
It's easy to tell me "So get off your ass and clean", and this is sound advice, but when your state of mind has that overwhelming, exhausted feeling EVERYTHING negative intensifies. It's a burden. Its that first step, always the hardest to take. Its that first sentence you have to write when doing a paper for school- it always feels like a formidable foe, and then.. you do it and you laugh at yourself because it was just the shadow of a tiny little mouse.
I am ready to laugh at myself.
I wrote this out because i realize that sometimes the easiest, simplest things to see are often hidden from view. Some of you may be sitting there, in a cluttered room in need of some love and fresh air, with a less than attractive expression on your face and wondering what is wrong. Then you might read this and go "oh"...
Now, i must tie back my hair and face my foe, so i can laugh at myself when i'm done.