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In this day and age, despite all the positivity and how everyone says this... actually doing that is incredibly hard. 80-90% of the time? Perhaps even up to 99.9%? Seems impossible. It is a never-ending uphill battle. 

How do you learn to love yourself after over half of your life, your formative years, were in repression? When you were taught to ignore your own needs and voicing them, at all, makes you weak and a coward and they are not important, because there are so many people out in the world worst off than you are. Told how you lack intelligence, or never measure up. Or, in my case, knowing the only reason you are alive is a mistake, and the only reason your parents were together was because of you, and watch as your mother's spirit is systematically destroyed until she is warped and twisted, and your father descends into bully tactics and everything he states he stood against in his young years.

My own family has called me 'bitch' or 'c***' for speaking my mind, having opinions, and pointing out the wrong and hurtful things they say about other people. My mother's answer to my anger toward people  hurtfully gendering my daughter as male because she likes having a pixie cut at 9 was to put bows in her hair instead of educating people that assume based on one singular thing and not the whole of the picture.

How do you love yourself when you're called lazy in the middle of a crippling depression where just functioning in any way is this incredible struggle? When society looks at you and all they see is an overweight woman. Not knowing that weight was put on was in bedrest to ensure her daughter made it to term and safely came into the world. That medical after medical issue after, on top of crippling depression from the loss of a child previously, prevented her from losing the weight despite her active lifestyle once she managed to fight her way tooth and nail out of that depression alone and without support.

How do you love yourself when you know being asexual is nothing wrong and you're ok with it, but everyone around you thinks you're broken. It's a byproduct of my weight, it's because I was molested as a child. I'm broken in their eyes... and sometimes I slip and let that belief re-enter my mind...

How do you love yourself when the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally did not and put conditions on their love time after time, and when you finally set yourself free from them they make you look like the enemy to everyone else?

How can you love yourself when it seems like all the world does is judge you and finds you wanting, refusing to see the good in you?

For me, it's my daughter. Her smile and the unwavering and constantly reaffirmed knowledge I'm doing something right with her. I shower her with unconditional love and it's all she's known, and her love and affection is the only balm on my battle worn soul. I don't love myself properly as I should, and it will be a battle I fight until my death against all of these 'demons' others gave birth to inside of my head, but she loves me and I love her. My daughter. My light in the darkness. I am tired, I hurt and I'm incredibly lonely, but I have her. I will keep trying and keep fighting even if right now everything is pressing down on me and I feel like I'm being crushed by it.

Blessed Be to all struggling upon this path.

Views: 39

Comment by Who? on August 24, 2018 at 1:29pm

And Blessed be to you, and may Lord and Lady comfort you, walk with you, give you strength when you feel weak, and courage when afraid.

Walk tall, for the love that you show your daughter is the love denied to you, and the Gods will see and respond.

Comment by Enigma on August 24, 2018 at 5:54pm

This is a great article.

Comment by √ℓἇ∂ἇ ኔጡ። on August 24, 2018 at 7:44pm

This link may be of interest to read,just as it fits so well to your blog..

http://www.paganspace.net/profiles/blogs/childhood-disrupted

Comment by Ashley on August 24, 2018 at 9:44pm

Thank you for the comments, truly. And thank you for the link to that article. I found it to be a very interesting and relevant read.

Blessed Be.

Comment by √ℓἇ∂ἇ ኔጡ። on August 24, 2018 at 10:34pm

Well you never know if someone else can help to open another train of thought that could help influence them in some way in these websites do you, like you never know what will take them and what they will just walk away from or chuck out, but it was worth sharing regardless...I just felt that what you were saying above here in your post reflected to that article in a similar way...its like a imprinting process or something of a trauma on your soul,I call it 'Red Flag Soul Trauma'..as it's left it's imprint on you for sure for you to write about it still years on from it all happening if you get what I mean..So I can see why and how you would feel abused, I think it’s human nature to try to avoid future things and situations that might cause more pain as the healing from it all is still in process obviously..

Therefore,as you said above;

[It's a byproduct of my weight, it's because I was molested as a child. I'm broken in their eyes... and sometimes I slip and let that belief re-enter my mind...]

If you believe you are the unlovable child again or if you are constantly critical of yourself as a adult in fear of being hurt from everyone,or anyone in your reality really...then you will continue to attract people and create situations that reinforce this belief. Conversely,as you learn to love yourself,just for who you are...you will automatically receive the love and appreciation from others that you desire.  

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