I'm learning a lot about myself and others. I'm finally okay with disappointment, because life is full of disappointments. Expecting a lot from people places you in a situation to be disappointed in them: when you expect nothing, they can surprise you either way, and it is always forgivable. This isn't to day I don't feel disappointment anymore: I certainly do. I hold love and hatred in my heart and feel its full sting, yet it doesn't overwhelm me or my life. I'm finally learning to be happy, and to enjoy my appearance. It isn't perfect, but that doesn't mean I can't dress like it is. I'm having fun re-vamping my wardrobe to fit the person I've become or am becoming...which is seldom the same person any given day. I think the few core personality traits I have are: light heartedness, good natured, impulsive, and caring for others. Maybe. This is how it seems to me, but I could be wrong. I'm facing so many of my fears; instead of killing wasps I caught them in a jar and set them free outside. Instead of holing up in the house I got a job at a fast paced store. Instead of guarding my heart I've began to open it up to vulnerability with others. Instead of screaming at the sight of a spider and killing it, I permit it to live (albeit I keep a good distance away). Life is good. Chipping away at the list. One day I will be over my phobia of driving, but its the smaller victories that will lead up to that when I am ready.
I'm still afraid, but its no longer debilitating. Its amazing, to no longer be crushed under emotions. I spent so long unable to move.
Someone is worming their way into my affections, but he's afraid of being hurt again. I cannot blame him. I understand. I was there not too long ago, and a part of me still fears the possibility. Life is living on that sharp painful edge of possibility and reality. I know I can handle it. But its taken me a long time to realize that. Whether anything more than friendship will come of our relationship, I don't know. But I will be okay with whatever way it takes.