Well, I am bored and stressed so I thought I'd write..That always calms me down.. I am maintaining today, better than I would have thought on this 2 year anniversary of mom's death. I will be having a chat with her in a bit. A little meditation.. Mom has no grave..she sits on top of my refrigerator. Always near and dear to my heart. I wanted to show you a few things if I may..first being mom's obituary. Have a peak..
Yes that's my mom, my best friend. Here is another picture of her (and I) the Christmas before her passing.
I was so very plump in this picture, mom always made sure the Dragon ate. Every Sunday we would order take out after church, and throughout the week I would order us take out breakfast. Gosh I was so very fat, look at that belly..LOL..what happened. I dedicate this day as a remembrance to mom, her joy, her laughter, her love..I do remember the good things. I have to don't you agree? I am going to be ok, I am not going to wallow in self-pity today..well I did for a bit, but that has passed. I feel as though I have crossed a turning point, a change, rather subtle now..but in the end will be quite profound. A true blessing from Hecate, you know she takes care of me, she leads my path in life..She loves me. She led me to a teacher that I am learning about life, learning to change and appreciate life and all it's beauty. Learning just exactly what it means to be a witch. I will be dedicating my life as a witch very soon..How so very exciting that day will be. I am progressing in my lessons and moving forward in ways that I would never thought possible.
Heres's a picture of a happy Emerald. With his teeth no doubt.
I took that photo today, I look happy don't you think. I can't continue with my negativity. NO, it's a time for rebirth and acceptance. Body, soul, spirit and mind. Mom is helping me. I feel her presence and her comfort. Change is in the air for the Dragon, I was reading in that book "THE CURE" that if I think negative thoughts..then my body produces cells that cause more negative thoughts.. It is all in my mind wether I choose to be happy or sad. I can achieve many things within..if I only choose to be positive. A dear friend from Psychic Knight has been telling me the same things. Well several people. Here's a link to my favorite site online. Where I get so much needed and appreciated support.
Wont you have a peak?? It's a funny thing. I get no comments on my blogs from my witch sites here in the USA, but from across the world, especially the United Kingdom I get many comments, you know who you are, And I think you so very much. I would truly love to relocate to the UK. Perhaps someday I will. My roses are not blooming there magnificent flowers at the moment..I will have to buy fertilizer and give them the attention they deserve. I will be going to a Betane ritual in Denton on the 7th. I wish so much that I had my robe..but that will happen soon enough. Denton is about 30 miles from where I live. Should prove to be interesting. This time I will try and not be shy and hopefully connect with some other witches. I think that is vital in my growth. Indeed I do. Have you dear folks noticed something? Dragon is being positive now.. He's on the up and up. I am listening to some classical music and burning incense. All so very soothing to the soul.
In this photo I don't think I look 47, what do you think. I am starting to think the truth, that being maybe Emerald is not so bad looking after all. I have been blessed with good looks. Am I being conceited, no..just praising myself and looking for positive qualities in my life.
I am putting together material for my second book witch I feel will be accepted by my publisher. In three months I will have to but 30 books..for the price of 30 I receive 50 books. I am leery of selling them to my neighbors, or trying to sell them at Walmart.. I have to figure some way to make a return on my investment. Who knows..a year from now. I may have a best-seller.. It's possible!! I only get my royalties once a year. My neighbors accept the fact that I'm gay and living with HIV. But the Witch thing I don't think will prove to be acceptable.. There may be a lynching if they find out.. LOL
Dear friends, readers.. You all bless and enrich my life to no end. Without you listening to a mad man's rambles I don't know where I would be now. If I just get one response from my writings it makes it all worthwhile. Sometimes I do feel quite mad indeed. Makes for a interesting and unique life. We are all different aren't we? We are all special in some form or another. Forgive me for going on and on with my writing, I hope you don't find it boring? I have decided to go ahead with my new blog series.. Let's see what shall I call it..let me think??
"Living with Mental Illness"
How about that? We have a title, now lets start a tale.
June 18, 2004
I was admitted to the mental health hospital June 18 of 2004. On June 15th of the same year I made a suicide attempt. I had totally lost my mind, I was out of control, I couldn't bare the thought of living any longer. I had lost all hope, no one..absolutely no one wanted to talk to a nasty drunk like me. I had chased my 21 year old son out of my apartment with my cane. With no recollection of why I had acted so bizarre. What the hell is wrong with me? I am completely mad. TMC, the hospital I am in is so much better than the state hospital. The staff are very nice and seem concerned and want to help. I have only made a few friends here and they will be leaving soon. Then I will feel all alone. It was a rough go at the hospital in my hometown. I came really close to dying. I don't remember but just a flicker of my stay there. My dear mom, bless her heart said they had put me on a respirator. I just arrived here at the nut ward and haven't talked to a psychiatrist yet. He said he didn't want to talk to me until I finished detoxing from massive amounts of alcohol. I had already detoxed for three days at the regular hospital where I almost died. I should be clean by tomorrow and perhaps he will talk to me.
My counselor is a Christian man. I told him I was gay. It didn't seem to bother him in the slightest bit. He scares me for some reason..he looks mean. Very stern. Most of the staff here are very nice and compassionate. For some reason, beyond me, I seem to get in a really fowl mood after dinner. I am still very depressed and don't want to be here, but I have no choice in the matter. This hell has to end..If it doesn't I will soon die or go utterly insane..what a frightening thought. I just can't handle the drink anymore. I don't know if I have any chances left. I am like a cat.. I have had 8 lives and am on my last life.. #9.. I have to figure things out, figure why I am so self-destructive. Indeed!!! I am tired all the time..I think that's a direct result of my HEPC and HIV. My health is poor. As I write this page in my journal, I am thinking to myself. Emerald you need to write at least one page a day..you know how very therapuetic it is for you.. How your life is a blueprint and you can figure out the problems by writing and seeing what patterns you have that lead you back to drinking.. A blueprint of my life. I am physically and mentally sick today.. I have to rest now. Will resume at a later time.
Yes dear reader, dear friends..that was the start of my stay in a mental hospital..30 miles from home. It wasn't the first time I had made a attempt on my life and it wouldn't be the last. So we have a new story to tell. It will open your eyes to the Life and disappointments of dear Emerald. I have said before and I will say again, I have had a troubled life.. A very different life so to speak. You may be wondering, have I learned anything from my tragedies? I would like to think so. I have a grip on reality today.. At least most days.. Please..I hope you are touched by all that Emerald will have to say in the days to come. There is so very much to share with you. I don't want your sympathy..just your sharing your hopes with me as I take a trip down memory lane. I enjoy sharing my life with you tremendously.. You know all I really want is for somebody to listen to my ramblings. At the end of all things..no matter how bad things got in my life.. I have been a overcomer. I am sober today. I am finding out that I can be happy without a man. I have accepted that I live with a deadly disease and that death may knock at my door in the not to distant future. I fear I may have AIDS now, what with my going a month without my medications. With my rapid weight loss. But I am ok today. I have folks that love me for me. I have a loving and wonderful Goddess and God that I absolutely adore.
I'll close and say goodnight now.
Brightest Blessings today and everyday..we deserve that don't we?
With sincerity and love in my heart