I am sitting here watching the beautiful sunrise in the distant, absolutely beautiful to behold. It is going to be a grand day today..I am still in good spirits. Strange dreams about my teeth last night. I dreamt that the front teeth had chipped and looked jagged, truly awful. Mom was there and was furious at me for breaking them..Not only were they chipped they had turned black. I was horrified. In the dream I had tried and tried to make them stay in with polident, but no it didn't work and they flopped I'm my mouth. I kept applying and reapplying the polygrip, all to no avail and was very angry. At that point, I decided to go back to Dallas and have them fixed.. I went with two other people, though who they were I can't remember. At any rate, we got lost and were walking all over the heart of Dallas. I got mad at one of the men and said I would find it on my own. What a dream.. I woke up!!
I truly need to start wearing my teeth and will start today when I get some polygrip.. It's just they are so very uncomfortable. I will be taking my Wicca test tomorrow and feel I will do well. Today is payday and bill paying day, when it's all said and done Dragon will be a poor man. So many bills. I will be gathering limbs from my son's backyard tonight to make my Besom. I will be having pizza for dinner tonight, I absolutely love Pizza. I am a bit out of sorts now. I am having quite a bit of pain in my legs and find it hard to walk. I sure wish I could join in the Maypole dance next Saturday but no, it's just not possible. Ahh, my precious Colleen is demanding attention this morning. She's 12 now and I am wondering how many years she has left. It will be a sad and tragic day when I lose her. I am really at a loss for words today so I will start my story now.. Hoping everyone is happy and well.
June 24, 2004
I haven't journled in a few days, it has been really bad for me. My doctor said he wants to discharge me on Friday. I am not ready to go yet! It really freaked me out and put me in a bad mood. I have a hard time concentrating in my classes today. I didn't know if I was going to be able to talk to my counselor today or not. But he finally showed up right before dinner. He told me that I needed to tell my doctor that I was having a lot of mental issues and go into detail the things that were bothering me. Glen, my HIV case-manager came to visit me today. That was nice! All the friends that I have made here will soon be leaving, that makes me really sad. I am so very depressed today. I don't think they will keep me long. I am scared to death, if I start drinking again I will probably die or become suicidal again. I don't know what the hell is wrong with my mind. I think I am just flat out crazy, it's no fun..INDEED! On a positive note, I am starting to make new friends. I am scared to go back to AA in Gainesville. I am afraid how they will react towards me and fear they will reject me. Before coming to the hospital here I said a lot of mean and nasty things to some of the members there. The medication that the doctor has put me on here doesn't seem to be helping. Personally, I don't think it ever will. I am so very tired of my messed up life, it is truly unbearable at times. I think God everyday that I didn't succeed with my suicide attempt. I called Terry earlier, she didn't seem like she wanted to talk so I didn't stay on the phone long with her. There is no telling what I may have said to her while I was in my cups, while I was drinking. One of the ladies here accused me of stealing her pen earlier. It was my pen and that really pissed me off, she tried to grab it from my hand. I decided to go ahead and give it to her, since she needed a pen so bad, it wasn't worth the trouble. I have plenty more. Brent came and talked to me last night. I have been going to my room and isolating myself from the others every night after dinner. He encouraged me to visit with the others. God, I need help so very bad..this is just unbearable. I need a good friend outside of these walls here, just one friend that's all I ask..just one!!! I am such a lonely person, lonely and introverted. What a life! I have been trying to quit drinking for over twenty years. After so many years of complete failures it's hard to have hope. I feel as though the folks at AA are judging me because of my so many failures. It scares me to no ends to think that they know I am gay now. That is my worst nightmare come true. It is a very redneck town.
I am so very tired. I want to die and then I don't want to die. If I could only cry and release all this pent up anger. Anger mostly at myself. I chased my dear son with a cane and have no idea why. I was in a blackout, but I do remember chasing him. I think I will go to my room and hide the rest of the day. I am going to call mom and see if she will come visit me tomorrow. I love mom so much. She's my best friend. Never ceasing to hope her dear son will get sober. I think it would help me if she came to visit. I need moral support as never before. I am a troubled and lost soul.
Glen is supposed to come visit me again tomorrow. As I said, today has been really bad. There is a lady here who is a lesbian, shes become my best friend here. I thought she would be leaving today, but it will be at least Monday before she goes home. I will surely hate to see her go, they don't keep people here long. When I first got here I didn't care for my roommate much, well as far as that goes, I didn't like anybody, especially myself. But in all actuality my roommate is a very nice man. He is just like me in many ways, he has a absolutely brilliant mind. Makes one wonder why people end up in places like this. The food here is not there best in the world but it is edible. I am so very sick and tired of being in a mental ward or in a alcohol/drug treatment facility. It has been quite a life, one would think one would learn, I suppose I am worst than most. Why else would the madness continue for so very many years. It's dreadful and so disillusioning. One loses hope after awhile. Seems as though it's a never ending battle and I lose time and time again. I really don't understand why I have trouble making friends in the outside world. Though it's been that way all my life. Though it's very strange because I have no trouble whatsoever making friends in a facility. I have no clue as to what to talk to my counselor about. I am at a loss as to the roots of my troubles. Truth be told and known, I really have no faith in his ability to help me, most all my counselors that I have had in the past have not uncovered the mysteries of my mind. They have not helped..no!!
I have to fill out my social security papers today and get them in the mail by tomorrow. I am most certainly being reclusive today. I don't feel like to talking to anyone. I just want this unbearable, heartbreaking pain in my insides and in my mind to end. I want to be past this never ending hell that I live in constantly. I am living in a hell that we call planet Earth. It is so very painful..
I WANT A DRINK TODAY......
I'll close there dear friends.. I am going now to take a trip to the big city and see my son and love on a tree and ask it if it's ok to cut some of his many arms for my Besom.. It was a good thing, and I said blessings to tree, absolutely wonderful. Wait until you see the finished product..The dragon does have some artistic skills. I will probably leave for a while now... More writings will follow soon.
John and I had a great visit. I have done a lot of walking today, my pains in my legs are unbearable. I am hoping above all hopes by Saturday so I can dress in proper attireI was a nice hour and half drive there... And home. It was quite relaxing. Had the heat on a tad..this skinny ole boy has no insallation. No meat. You know writing theses segments of my life, I get it off my chest and to hopefully, take a read from my book, see all the most horrible consequence come after many many years of abusing your body and soul to drugs and alcohol. I was sad when I wrote that June of 2004.. That's been a long time. I have so very many things to tell you.I will be free and whole again and it will be soon..
It is now 8:20am
I woke up in a wonderful mood. Listening to Pink Floyd, haven't heard from them in years. David and I more or less mended our fences yesterday, I gave the the six Pills he said I supposed owed him and I bought him a carton of cigarettes. I am that so unneeded stress is out of my life and I am glad we are friends. It's takes a lot of time and energy being angry, it's a horrible emotion. I have most certainly been blessed as of late. I have been happy More than I have been sad and that is a ever so welcome change. More nasty weather on the way tomorrow. I will be getting my test today. I have to make my money orders and get my money sent to Catt, who is making my robe. Ohhhh, I've got the best news, my teeth no longer heart and feel like they are choking me since I put polygrip on them, it made all the diference in the world..happy..happy.. Happy.
I was able to order my 6 cases of ensure 3 days early. I get six cases every 10 weeks. That stuff is expensive. But I get it free. Lucky me. I have to start eating again, I just don't have any appetite anymore. I think when I saw mom last Friday, that she left an angel here at home, as a matter of fact I'm certain of it. Such peace and contentment with very few sad moments. You have all read a very real and very revealing part of Dragons lifeI am 46 now and I have been drinking and drinking since I was 12. During all that mess I developed mental illness, Bipolar, psychosis and severe anxiety. Perhaps as the cards I recently read spoke the truth a profound experience will soon come to my life.
What causes mental ilness..I think one of the most prevalent cause it's that in your family..other causes I think are your upbringing, your social life, probably many others. I'm no doctor. Just speculating..LOL For me it has been abuse..as I have said.. At a very young age. At the start of first degree I was know as the weird one , the retarded one...the one who couldn't speak or hear. Oh well, poor kids.. Kids are mean natured and even more so in this day and age. I suffered much verbal abuse from my dad..before he became disabled he beat my mom. He was a alcoholic like me... His own dad was a short-shit like me and was a train engineer and a very bad alcoholic as well. Once dad became disabled after my birth and was put in a wheelchair, he couldn't get his booze and became a very angry man. That's when mom started her affairs with other men..another scar for me. I've said all this before so it's a re-cap. I had my first drink of Boone's farm wine when I was 8... Then when I was 12, just moving back to town after living in a town 30 miles away. We moved back and I was horrified al my elementary friends had moved on. They didn't want to sit with me at lunch, nor talk to me.. So that's when the bad rejection came. I had no friends, except this chunky girl who wanted me to be her boyfriend. I thought to myself..Hmmm, I wont be called f***** anymore if I go with her. It worked for 3-4 years.She had horses and we rode everywhere. WE had many good years, Dr' Hook and Eric Clapton were our favorite singers. We went to the old HIHO drive in many times, always getting very drunk. I drank very heavy then and always drove high and drunk. Cindy and I would go to the local VFW every Saturday night with her dad, and her dad as our gaurdian allowed to drink. We got so very drunk and it never, never failed. After the club closed we would get a six-pack of beer for home. I lived about a mile from her. We we would always fight (not physically) and I woul get mad and walk home. Very drunk! One night we were with her best friend, driving the country back roads drinking. Never got caught. After 5 years of no sex, I was very drunk and had sex with my girlfriend and her bestfriend.. (hope that's not to personl) but my girlfriend got pregnant and we married resulting in me being one of the few.... A Gay Dad.. My first treatment followed after about a year and a half and many more followed. I am a very nice person, a bit shy and a bit introverted, I have hopes of a change soon. So far..so good. But life and destiny are all before us ..the steps we take determine the path we choose. Our cards are already laid out. Well my test has arrived so I'll have to pause.
(A bit later) The test is done, I think I may have missed 2 question, otherwise I did good. It was very hard and took some serious thinking and researching.I took a couple of my pain pills and if my back stops hurting I will make my Besom. I am reflecting over the last 7 years when this story was actually written. My mental health most days is good, but some days I'm just way out there. I usually stay in bed on those days. I bought a watermelon, though I think it's a bit early. I told them at Wal Mart it would be back if it was bad LOL.
I received my test back from Lady K, my Tools test. I made a 97...an A.. I missed one question. A very hard question that was neither on the computer or in my notes. Perhaps you know the answer... Do Tell? What is a Penalpha....??????
I am in no mood to chat today< not in the mood for much of anything. I'll tell a short story if I can do it and send this off.
There was a young dragon. He was green so people started calling him Emerald. Emerald would do anything for you, get your groceries, pay your bills, write your letters...anything.
The only thing is, Emerald had troubles, sometimes he became lost, he forgot who he was and where he was at. He was no longer that dragon that would do anything for you. He was gone.
It was always up and down, never a kind medium. The Dragon was both a hero and a bum. I took a liking to the strong drink and completely lost my mind losing the good man for many years, oh the good man was still there, course he was. He came out often, oh, until the spirits came and took over..
It was a battle between good and evil, unfortunately EVIL has always been the master. Always the winner.
May marks a momentious occasion, no booze..The Good Dragon is here. Just a tired and sore Dragon. No gambling. My robe is in the mail, wether I get it by Saturday remains to be seen. I have still been to sore to make my BESOM, you will see it soon enough. I am for the most part happy. A nagging feeling, telling me how good some booze would be..But NO, EMERALD is strong. Thank you mom and thank you for your angels!!! I love you. As you all know, or at least you should have figured it out by now. I also have multiple personalities...Hope your not shocked.. It makes for a interesting life. I suppose that's the same as being Bipolar..It has been a long day and I think I will close here. Wasn't up to pictures today.
I guess I am thinking about Sunday, Mothers Day.