Every now and then I get one of those nights where I'm paranoid out of my wits and scared of my own shadow. They're miserable. Earlier when I had attempted a nap, I had a jolting night terror.I think that was part of it. Whenever they occur, I have trouble sleeping the following night. I think I woke every hour. It will be a long, torturous day for me.
I tried to calm myself down. The spider doesn't exist in this realm. But still...my phobia is relentless. And its a completely stupid, ridiculous phobia. The best way to deal with them is by desensitization. Well. One picture of an enormous Australian spider nearly made me break down into tears. I think that's another reason I was so twitchy. I wish I didn't have to work today, but on the other hand, it should tire me out so well that I cannot help BUT to sleep. I'd like to crawl back in bed. xD But I'd probably wake up every time I dozed off to check for bloody giant spiders.
Today is my father's birthday. I don't know how to feel about him. Last night I had a few readings where our relationship cropped up, and it was very upsetting for me. That's likely another cause of my anxiety. He doesn't deserve my love or respect, but it is so ingrained in me to bestow both to him that permitting myself to feel otherwise is proving a challenge. I've gotten okay with hating my mother. Ironically, because I've become more accepting of this, our relationship has become less tense and actually improved. I still care about her; she might even have a chance to earn my love. But my father...Why am I so protective of his feelings? Why am I so afraid to hurt him? Is it because I watched him being abused for years by my mother? He was abusive too, but in a different way. A passive, selfish, negligent abuse without any sensitivity whatsoever. Neither of my parents have shown me unconditional love, or compassion. I'm not sure my father is capable of loving anyone except himself. I have reason to believe he has the narcissistic personality type, more so than my mother. How I managed to develop compassion against these odds is beyond me. I'm so freakin sensitive. You would think their treatment would have killed that in me, but I still tear up watching a moving commercial, or during a powerful song that I connect with. Almost anything can hit me emotionally.
It is my custom to cry alone (or in the company of my cat Hamlet, who always seems to show up when I'm upset. Love him so much). When my sister and I cried as children, we were told we were ugly and sent to our rooms by our mother. And if it was our father, he wouldn't understand what we were crying about and would simply quote unrelated scripture. We learned to deal with our problems on our own. We also were not allowed to express anger, because that was also punished. Getting in touch with years and years of suppressed rage hasn't been easy. Hell, I am STILL working at it. I've dealt and am dealing with my rage at my mother. But for some reason it isn't as easy with my father. But I have to accept it, feel it and express it. I have to allow myself to hate him.
I just...its so overwhelming...and I am afraid of it. Afraid of what I might remember.