Pardon me for not having some deep, prodding thought to contribute to the progress of man kind, but....

I’m tired of floating, having no direction. I have 2 young children, active and intense, so why aren’t I fulfilled? Why does bland, day to day existence seem to be so hard for me? The morning comes, the afternoon passes and then the evening ends. Then it’s all the same the next day. I can’t wait for the next 10 years of my life to just be over, and that’s sad.

Even when I had a goal to keep me full of hope, it wasn’t enough to keep me driven and interested. I slacked and put it off; and then I ran out of time. Such a waste, of everything, and now I have these stupid books, lapboards and a foot pedal lying about to remind me of what a failure I am. Again.

I can’t turn to my faith more than prayers and a candle. No personal space of my own and the parks around here aren’t super secluded for privacy. It usually keeps me going but I feel like I’m failing there too now.

I can’t connect with myself, who I am. I’m lost and there’s no finding me. No freedom to pursue and even if there were, what would I really do with the chance? Talk about what I think and believe so I can be alienated further? Yes, please, sign me up for that. Even amongst the outcasts I’m an outcast.

I get the words of “that’s just a part of life” as advice, like I should just be content with all this. It should be ok to just do the same thing every day, month in - month out, with the same people to interact with, with the same list of jobs to be done through the day by MYSELF, every day. To have someone around and want help but know that’s not going to happen, because it’s just asking too much or they really just don’t want to be bothered. It takes too much effort.

This has been me for a long while now. I’ve just been happily distracted for the most part. It gets to me sometimes but then I find something to focus on and I’m ok for a while. But it’s hard when I’m feeling lost like this, with no real fix. I fuck up all my personal relationships, so I’ve no friends anymore and the few brave enough to tread these waters, I keep at distance. Family members have their own things going on; I’ve always chosen to not add to the burden with my own issues. Always.

I cannot find the light at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining in sight. Where does it end? Will it ever or will my life always be a string of discontent? Is it just me or is there an actual problem here? Is it ok to be angry and want more or am I being childish and disillusioned?  I’m safe; I know when my next meal will be. Why isn’t that enough? 

I'm supposed to be ok. 

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Comment by ღ Skye ღ on May 28, 2014 at 3:37pm

I would say that there is definitely a problem. Could be a medical problem or it could just be that you are searching for "something" and unfortunately, only you will be able to locate that "something". See a Doctor first. Rule out anything physical and then maybe you need to take some "me" time and do some soul searching to see what you need. Just know that there is only 1 key to happiness, and you my dear, hold that key.

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