I'm finding that as I grow, and come to be on the right path, people who are unhealthy disappear from my life. Each time I have come close to dating another drug addict, alcoholic, dealer or whatever they always back off like they've put their hand in the fire. Its not something I do intentionally...I don't like making people feel guilty, I just think there's something about me that repels them. Which is probably for the best. Having healthy people in my life is more preferable. I never noticed until now...after the guy I was crushing on rejected me. And in the same night my young female co-worker admitted to having a crush on me. But she also has a crush on the guy who turned me down.
At first I was crushed, but I stayed with the pain...wept like crazy, and finally descended into serenity. I'm really okay with how things turned out. I've been worried about what would happen if we got serious, and then August arrived and it was time to move...That would be messy. And dating co-workers can get messy. Its just one of those things. I'm interested in the girl, but I don't know if it's a good idea...At the moment I'm simply emotionally exhausted.
I'm glad balance has returned. When I like men...for some reason their energy turns me internally into a cyclone. Everything is chaos. But with women, it is more still...stable. I don't know. Love in general is a mess. I've probably acted like a fool lately but I can forgive that, because romance makes everyone into a fool. As soon as I came down, I could see, think and feel so clearly. How is it this always happens to me when it comes to men? At least I know for a fact that I like men again. I wasn't too sure about that for a while. Now I realize I'm very capable of it, but I'm not sure if its something I should pursue. Liking men is a train wreck. Liking women is a gentle exploration.
I guess I just have a raw purity about me. I don't know. Today I was told I'm like a "light house" or the "copper snake" from the Bible. That's interesting. I've been told this most of my life, but especially more so in recent years. I am what I am. I think it frightens people. I don't mean to scare them. I'm just relieved to have myself back.