I've been stuck in a spiritual rut lately. I feel like I'm not making any sort of progress, and I've gotten so lazy and feel so ineffectual that I rarely bother to pull out the tools and practice any. Even the Sabbats and Esbats have just come and gone with barely any recognition. I noticed this past full moon and decided that I need to pull myself out of this rut. I don't like feeling disconnected and out of step with things, particuarly with the earth itself. I've had a busy year, with school and working and my living situation, but I'm making steps to find a different job and move back into Roanoke instead of living out in the country. It sucks, but it'll make things better. I'm young and living so isolated for so long has just become more of a drain than anything else. I want to go to local meet ups and meet a few pagans around instead of just being solitary all the time. Even if I don't participate in group rituals, having someone around, kind of like a spiritual work out buddy, could make all the difference. I even started a blog a few months back, vowing to do some withcraft related project every week, and I've failed miserably, but it seems like a worthy endeavor so I'm going to try to come as close as possible, and maybe even try to catch up if possible, though doing some kind of ritual every day seems like it would be overkill. The gods would eventually just hang up when they see me calling, lol.
And seriously, how do guided meditations in books work? Do i read them as I meditate? I can't read that and close my eyes and seriously concentrate on what the author is trying to express. Seems more like projecting than actually tapping into something legitimate.
This is all just one long sleep deprived rant about the state of my life and i feel so much better just letting it all out instead of just beating myself up about it when i'm trying to sleep at night. I feel bad when i ask the gods for help b/c i don't feel like i pay them enough attention the rest of the time. i do thank them too, but my communications haven't been at all constant. i feel like the ungrateful spoiled teenager, asking parents for money and then thanking them when they pay up and not calling again until i need something else from them. i don't meant for things to be like that, but it's the cycle i'm stuck in right now. I either need help or i'm grateful that things haven't hit rock bottom yet, lol. Where's the joy and the motivation to create change? I'm just riding the tides, and i'm starting to get seasick. I need to go to deeper water and weigh an anchor strong enough to keep me steady for a while.