Around 10pm last night I got called in to cover a shift for 11am-5:30pm. I'm beginning to doubt my status as a part-time employee. Seeing as I've worked every day this week, except for yesterday. Which was amazing. I thought I'd get called in. Since when was I a "Call Girl" for my store? I mean, seriously...This is starting to get exhausting. The worst part, is that I was told by my other co-workers that the person I'm covering for probably made up the story about car trouble so he wouldn't have to work today. I hate the feeling of being used. In my mind, I see us as a team where we look out for each other. We're there. We got each others backs. I guess I'm the only one who sees it that way, and that it is an extremely naive perspective.
Anyway, I'm taking some time this morning to relax and enjoy myself. Seeing as I spent a miserable night waking up every two hours, and had stress related dreams about being late for work, or having things happen to make me late while getting ready. I wanted to sleep in, to enjoy my Sunday peacefully. I guess the peaceful wont be an aspect, but I can still enjoy the day even if I have to work. I'm determined to! I've put on an energizing playlist to pump me up. But there's no doubt I'm getting close to burning out. I can feel it.
Thank the Gods for the book on everyday spirituality that I'm reading. It helps me get through the day by reminding me to be fully present, to take my time (when possible) and to wish other people well. I take a few moments to stare out the windows at the trees and sky, to take a breath. So long as my boss isn't looking and yelling at me for "standing around". Heaven forbid I be human with human needs. *rolls eyes* I took a moment to drink and lean against the coolers and got yelled at for standing around doing nothing. I didn't get a break my entire shift. My boss doesn't believe in breaks. I nearly passed out a few times from low blood sugar, because there's no time to eat when you're working. I might not be his best employee, or his fastest, but people seem to like working with me because I let them take a break to eat drink or smoke and cover everything for them. I understand people have needs. And they do the same for me. I keep being told that I put people in a good mood, make them smile. :) At least I have that going for me. If my co-workers like me, that's all the better.
Alright. Gonna get this out now: I REALLY DON'T WANT TO FUCKING WORK TODAY. AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There. Better. Now I think I can deal with working without feeling overly resentful about it. I still have a crush on C. Some days I think I'm totally over him, then suddenly BAM I'm still head-over-heels. And its ridiculously stupid because he feels nothing for me except friendship. We haven't discussed how I feel since he turned me down. And I don't want to go there again because it will hurt. I think it will eventually go away, or it might linger for the entire summer...unless someone else comes along to steal my affections. I've been known to like someone for years without expectations. It hurts like hell. Its a waste of time. But its how I felt. And this is how I feel. I wish I didn't. I hate making things awkward or complicated. I'm frustrated with myself.