the daily humorscope

the daily humorscope
Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Obviously I wouldn't be able to do it without the support of so many people.
Jamelia

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyse you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinitely while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eye blink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinoceros is another matter.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarrassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.