Tuesday, September 14, 2010
He says to stop putting my meanings on movies, about what think they are saying or why they do it.
Keep it to myself-hush!
I ask-what does that mean or this mean and it’s be quiet. Watch the movie.
So far that’s today. I can listen to his opinion but I am not aloud to speak mine.
I am sick of being told how to feel, what to feel and not being able to give my opinion about anything.
My Mother and Father thinks he a God-boy are they wrong and no one knows the but you and me(this computer) I bought for him with my disability money.
There is something he doesn’t realize and he never will-he will never have me completely. Not my heart or my soul. No one can or never will. Never say never-In my little world never can be what I want or how long I want it to last-just like Forever! I may be a prisoner here right now but not for long.I will take my life back and control will be out of the question-I just can't hurt anyone.Not the people I love.
He is just another lesson I need to learn. He thinks he is in control-.and at the moment he is-because he pays all the bills.
I learned a long-long time ago that weakness builds strength. But what people don’t understand is that people will dig and dig and until they find your weakness because everyone has one but you always have to be aware and on guard-paranoia? That’s what my husband calls it. But he far -far away from the truth of it.
I was taught to forget. Every night my father, my blood father would come into my room and molest what he had made then call me his baby doll and if it wasn’t him then who was it?
I hate the shadows that follow me and I feel no pity for those who don’t understand me. Or for people who don’t think outside of the box-people who live in fantasy land. I go there from time to time, but I never let my guard down. Never underestimate me. I say I mean and I
Mean what I say and I only talk to those who will listen..
My therapist thinks I am pushing my husband away-I dropped him.
It is so the very opposite.
I need to tell my story before it’s too late and then no one will know what I have to say.
Time really doesn’t wait for no one and no one will know
My story or learn from what I teach.
The first thing I have to do is change my password, so he can not use this t me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I don’t want you to think Vince is the root of my problems. I really shouldn’t let it get to me-but I cannot help it. I hate when people I love try to control me constantly and somehow I let him and love him and I protect him..
At least he doesn’t beat me and he doesn’t do it constantly-try to control me. Or am I just that weak?Right now I am and he knows it I will get better.
I don’t feel week right now.
I did earlier.
I’ll write tomorrow.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Yesterday, I went to my Doctor to see what’s going on with me again. I sound like a hypochondriac but I’m not.
I suffer from PTSD, depression, anxiety, and flash backs.
I was doing fine there for awhile ,then, my son got sick like me and I feel so guilty. Why couldn’t I have helped him.? My kids are the most important thing in my life-even if they don’t think so. But who is this all about anyway-them or me? Maybe both. The PSTD kicked in, flashbacks etc…
Vince is being sweet as cherry pie. He knows I tell them everything he says to me- to the Doctor.I TELL HIM SO. I want it all recorded. I understand he has issues such as bills etc….I try to help out and I always let him know that I’m side.
I have done without so much for my family. I wear hand-me -downs, shitty ass bra’s. I smoke the cheapest cigarettes and I hardly ask for anything.
Ya know, he hasn’t been the greatest husband but who is? I feel guilty because I can't do what I use to-clean,cook, hobbies...
I’m old fashioned in some ways. I can’t and won’t cheat.
To me, That goes against MY REDE.
He just has to control my every action-like if I want a six pack. He says “you don’t know what it does to you.” Well! I guess that’s the only time I grow gonads and tell him what I think and don’t give a damn. I never was like that until him and Dale. And let’s not forget My dear blood Father-Lori calls it “sperm” donor. Lol
Well, I think I’m done for now. My thoughts and memories come and go and so I have to write them while I think of them.
All I have to say is-please, if you need to get help-please do so.
Here’s my song
“’Turn around Bright Eyes”
I’m going to go check out discussions-have a blessed and safe Day