All right, this is how it is.....

This is me! The true, real, unadulterated self that was partly given me by the Powers that Are, and partially developed by myself, my personality, my learning, my decisions, my path and my life.

I've moved around -a lot! I've travelled a fair bit. I enjoy 'my' places and discovering new ones. My places of peace are in England and Israel, my places of love yet some anger are Utah and Texas.

As one of my dear Texan friends said to me once, "my picker is broken" when it comes to men and relationships. I have finally realized that my depression (was recently, or should I say, finally) diagnosed with major depressive disorder yet have strong healing for others and somewhat for myself. I'm strong, I've been through my own hell many times and always come out stronger and more 'powerful.' Yet, I find myself there again and I refuse to tolerate the darkness that another wishes to impose.

I'm not stupid - I graduated from high school at 15 and was accepted into one of the country's leading private universities long before the days of home schooled kids outdoing uh nvm lol. It's just I have been known to make unwise choices.

I am in the process of separating from a very brief, emotionally and verbally abusive marriage. He is a wonderful man but chooses to bury it deep within himself and turns to alcohol, depression, lashing out, and self pity rather than seeking the help he desperately needs. I tend to try to fix things, including him and uh.... I can fix me but that's as far as I'm allowed to do! duh!!!!

I've put myself in deep financial trouble for/with the last 4 relationships I've had - stupid, yes. Unfixable, no. Although we still live in the same apartment due to the financial situation, I refuse to allow the negativity to enter my core any longer. I do realize that I will be ridiculed by my family for yet another failed relationship, by 'our' friends for leaving such a fantastic man - he is so loving and giving to others - and I am working up the strength to get through those things. My strong feeling was that I was literally his last chance to choose, that feeling remains. Yet free will being what it is, he has chosen not to progress and my time is limited. I feel heartbroken, resolute, at times an overwhelming sense of failure yet I also realize that I didn't fail. I offered the choice for him, I worked through many of my own issues, am healing and actively seeking further healing and understanding, light and knowledge. He has chosen to stay on his self-destructive path and I simply can't go with him. Although I'm not the 'traditional' alcoholic I have realized that I was sucked into (and allowed myself to do it) the alcohol dependency syndrome and I have begun the steps necessary to break that. I'm in a recovery program, I've found a therapist and psychiatrist and will gain what light there is to be had from them.

I WILL fight my own 'demons' and I will continue to fight for those who want my friendship and support.

The one utmost and positive thing that my adoptive parents instilled in me was a love of freedom, of right, and standing by my principles. (well, their principles lol but hey, the love of that is working) For a time, I interpreted freedom as the open road in a very literal sense. I've driven (alone or with two small children) across the US several times. I've gotten on planes and left the country for new adventures more than once. I rode with bike club members and loved it. The open road still strongly calls me. Perhaps I'm not only a solitary witch but a solitary soul with close ties - I don't know yet.

I have quite a bit of knowledge in some areas and am learning wisdom in others. I have finally bowed my head and accepted that I do at times require the light and help of others more advanced than myself. I've openly admitted to my Goddess that I ask blessing and truth, guidance, strength and continued light.

ok, I'm done.... that was my self proclamation and soap box.... back to the other stuff of life and magick.