can't sleep

Well it is late at night and here I sit with my fingers tapping away one the computer typing all the useless thoughts going trough my head into my blog. I will type it and read it then maybe post it. I do not like to post much when I am depressed. More so when I am depressed and can’t put into words as to why. I guess it is just that I am on a down swing with the bipolar and we are adjusting my meds to try and flip me up out of the pit. I write a lot of poems about the pit we are old friends. If anyone is reading this and wants to see my poems just email me and I will send off a few.

This downtime is different than some of the others. All of us are down and for those of you who do not know I have DID (Dissociative Identity disorder) that just means I have multiple personalities in my case 4. Katherine who is 10 and mad as hell that the rest of us do not feel like going out to play. So I guess we know why she is down. Megan Fay who is 32 our spiritual leader so to speak and a quiet soul. Cheryl and Mouse are like twins or the two halves of a whole and are age 44. Anyway back to why this time is different. I have been happy I just can’t enjoy it. We are having some money issues and Don has asked me not to spend as much and I have cut way down on that. I just fell I need to put my card away and stop all together. I have put it away I just keep getting the dang thing back out. Maybe I will give it to Don to hold that way when I want to use it I have someone who is not shopping just for a short high to be a voice of reason. I think my going back to having cash not cards to spend with will help with this part of the depression. I have been upset over the fact that we have not cut back as much as Don would like us to. No fights over money yet but they may be coming. Don and I have not argued in along time wonder if we will remember how.

You would think I would be over the mood today since I spent it with Lee’s family who I do not get to see as often as I would like. We went to the zoo and had a wonderful time new pictures to be posted soon of this zoo trip and the one last weekend with out Taylor girl. I have Taylor a lot of the time and she is a hand full. Such a great kid though. I caught myself thinking today that it was such a good day with the kids and grandkids that I had no right to be unhappy. It is not even that I was unhappy I was just happy from the bottom of the pit. Lee had such a great time showing Alex all the animals. Stephanie and I played with baby Roxie, Celeste was not there but we will take her next time. I have season passes for the zoo. It was a great day with me walking around in the pit.

Got home spent some time with Don over at Mike and Kathy Z. house. Went to Fry’s and then to dinner at the sushi place. Then came home and rested from the day for a bit before taking a test for an online class I am taking I got an 88. I wanted a 100. I am so tired right now I can’t even begin to explain why though. I mean I took all of my sleeping meds and laid there quietly for two hours still no sleep so I am up doing this and I will be tired when I have Taylor tomorrow and the cycle of no sleep watch small child anyway never ends even when your kids grow up. Once you are a Mom you never sleep the same again.

Well all this did was help me figure out what to do about my shopping habit. I am still in the pit with a bit less on my mind going to post this and then try and sleep some more.