Do you ever wake up in the morning and think, "There has to be more to it then this." or, "I could do so much better but I am not sure how."

I feel like I fail at so many things and my spirituality is a big one. I feel a need to practice more, but practice what exactly? There always feels like there is more to do in a day then I have time to accomplish, and sometimes it just leaves me paralyzed, which I know accomplishes nothing.

I have been planning to incorporate more of what I have been studying into my life but I seem to be determined to blow it off. Or life just conspires against me some days, but more often then not it is me blowing stuff off. I am bad about that. i am serious about wanting to accomplish these things and a quote I read yesterday really got me thinking more about the way I live my life.

"Ultimately, what we think, say and do is our religion."
--From "A way without words" by Marsha Sinetar

On that basis I have a pretty crappy religion. Not that I am a religious person per say but I get the idea of the quote and it makes lots of sense to me.

Why is it so easy for me to do things for others, even on a whim. Yet the things I say are important to me and need to do daily or at the very least more often get put aside so easily. I don't understand my seeming need to undermine myself.

My 32nd birthday is coming up in under a month. I should be happy. Right now I am melancholy. Not helped I am sure by the fact that I am still getting over the flu, which put a kink in my workout goals yet again; my brother has come down with that flu, and school is almost over for him for good; our budget is ever precarious, and I just started using Quicken for the first time and have to learn to make it work for us; Derwin's entire situation is changing and it leaves me in an even more stay at home 24/7 role then before.

Maybe part of my problem is the hour, well not really the hour but that I am still in need of lots more rest then usual, and am getting tired. I think I will make a second installment on this topic tomorrow after I have rested.

Light & Shadows,
Savant