Welcome Seeker, Good luck on your search and journey.
The only advice I have to offer is not to kill yourself or another during your feelings of rage and depression. Also talk to a legitimate psychotherapist and ponder what they may have to say.
You are Not cursed you are having what i call an awakening and its frightening and i have been there. I recommend a physical exam (we witches can only help so far and i mean NO insult) and help with your depression. By the way you will get better results this way. Sometimes a spell can work BUT it only lasts so long, Blessings and good luck.
I agree with Katey. Often, the mundane stuff is what you need, or at least where you need to start. There is no curse. Mental and physical care need to be established so you're in a better space and can think about things in other ways.
You know this well , Katey...how are you doing these days ?
Good to "see" you...;)
Read. read read read. Read about how the mind works and it's affect on the body. Body, mind, and soul are intertwined in a spiderweb of causality. The rabbit holes are bottomless and unfortunately for seekers like us, promising pits can sometimes be despairing.
I've recovered from many things myself, drugs and depression ran rampant through my psyche and it has taken years to rewrite my biological and emotional coding that had been deeply affected and infiltrated by mass culture / upbringing / environment etc. YOU alone can heal yourself, restore your mind, and orchestrate a new personality.
I empathize with your statements on religion and science failing you. I have a conservative Christian beginning, and damn was that a painful process to break out of. Those notions run deep into the subconscious, especially if it was all one knows, as it was the only thing I knew. It took 6 years of deep internal exploration to free myself from conditioning, and am STILL on the path to free myself from so many other more subtle conditionings of our constructed world. One will never COMPLETE this journey, but it will get more and more exciting the longer you are on it.
It is natural to seek science after realizing Christianity isn't for you. But I want to tell you passionately that NO ONE can give you the meaning to life, the reason you are here. You are the only one who can find this. Each person and system you encounter will give you clues and guide you along the way until you can find your own. I promise you - do not give up. Take challenge as exciting chances to see a broader world. There are a million answers to your questions, and you now have the enriching opportunity to launch on a journey of self discovery and exploration.
I've now learned how ALL religions are "true" and the threads of energy that run through all that I have studied (AND PRACTICED) have led me to carry great patience for them, as it is NOT the religion that hurts, but their practitioners who may be a bit misled or underdeveloped. Science is not but another "religion" in that it takes just as much FAITH to support as do even the most basic of spiritualities. You will find your way. I believe this. But you must have the will. Decide who you want to be, then set that decision aside and enjoy the process it takes to get there. Maintain integrity at all costs and the universe will provide.
I'll suggest one of the most pivotal books that have given me great insight and launched a new world of study:
Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss
Haven't read it yet, but this is not unlike the one just mentioned:
the Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton
For fun and thought food: check out these water experiments:
Pick up meditation. Seriously - it is the practice of self awareness as a journey to forgetting the self and breaking the curses of desire. Through this you can learn the power of the mind and study up on the energy systems within us all.
You are NOT on an easy journey. But since when was life supposed to be easy. Re-writing your core belief and mind structure will be painful, but it will be the most important thing to do in your journey.
We do not offer cures. There is no such thing. However, you may with great intent, effort, and patience - study your own mind and begin to HEAL. Do not hunt futures or destinations, but rather set your PRESENT TENSE up for understanding. The future happens as present moments pass. Find peace TODAY, and tomorrow will come when it is time.
Be well traveler - your spirit has much to look forward to, and many pains to overcome.
"I have a conservative Christian beginning, and damn was that a painful process to break out of. Those notions run deep into the subconscious, especially if it was all one knows, as it was the only thing I knew."
I remember an old crone stating how much better her life would have been if she had never been raised Christian.
Frank , I needed time to go within , and "listen" before I answered you...
You live in Indiana...
Do you know any natives on the rolls ?
They might be able to get you in touch with a medicine person ,
in your state , or even Kansas , who has deep experience in healing
and what is called "soul loss"...it sounds like this might be your
present situation ( note I did not say "problem" )
This is a very intense and deep healing process , and can even have
dangers for the one being the vehicle for the healing...it is not a white
weekend shaman healing practice...avoid those advertising soul healing
from that group...
Go to a traditionalist...be totally honest , and sincere in your quest , and
dealings with the native peoples , and the medicine person...
Spirit will guide you , to the right person , if you are sincere in your call...
May you again find your true path , and be able to one day assist others ;
Be Well , and Heal , brother...sometimes our medicine bundle is heavy...
We all carry one...;)
Merry meets frank. I know rage and depression. I'm also a fellow Hoosier, so I kind of understand the environment you are dealing with.
For your rage I recommend what I do. Create a space for it and get to know the monster inside, it's not a demon in your body, it's something you haven't yet been able to integrate into yourself and life. I think of anger as imagination unable to find me on my path. Just my opinion.
Read, love, protect. I wish I had a magic spell or a reference for someone I think would fix your stuff, but do hope you find your way.
Just thought this might be good to add as a reminder to all ;
Sung by the Godmother of Punk