It has now been nearly a month since the full onset of my Hermitage and I feel myself slowly coming out of it.
Being without my extra senses made me feel lopsided and deformed.
And a few times it very nearly cost me dearly.
I ran into a "soul-less" person who tried to suck the life out of me (literally)
I pulled so very far away from my husband.
I lost a few friends.
I almost lost myself a few times to the darkness inside that must be faced on such trips.
I lost interest in most everything. It just didn't appeal to me anymore.
Before this though, it was worse for me it felt like.
I had cut myself off from my beloved planet and from my Home on the astral plane because of the actions of another.
I stopped learning.
I grew stagnant and stale.
I closed my senses to those who are dear to me and only wanted to guide me and help me through everything.
To me this is much worse because, in essence,
I betrayed myself.
One by one my senses are coming back, though very slowly as I have to adjust to them again. It's all very fuzzy so, only baby steps from here for me :)
I've more than made amends with my husband ( I am so very glad he is such an understanding person)
Earthly things are losing their appeal still, and more rapidly so. Games, TV, etc. I feel just irritated, bored, and listless just thinking about it.
I won't get those friends back. It just doesn't happen like that lol.
And my Shadow and I are on good terms again :)
It is during this time that I must look back and reflect on what I have learned through all of this.
There has been so much I have learned, but so little can be conveyed in words.
I'm going to categorize these and see if it helps with the explaining.
Emotional Lessons Learned:
Through this Hermitage, the emotional issues were simply beyond scale. I don't think I've ever been made to experience such intense emotional...explosions as this at one time ('specially given the length of time it lasted) On all fronts, it was a record shatter-er lol.
The raw energy produced by this just stripped me bare. It felt like I'd been skinned and then flogged mercilessly, without any stopping. A sandblaster effect of you will. As such I was left completely numb for days, and not just emotionally.
The thing about this is, for me, emotions are not limited to emotions. They have huge physical impacts as well.
Did I suffer?
Absolutely. It was horrible. If I had a choice I wouldn't ever go through it again. But I know that is not to be my fate so I am not going to try to fight it since it will only make things worse for me when the time comes.
But what did I learn?
I learned why people turn to substance abuse to cope with life (because I had asked the universe to show me since I couldn't comprehend it).
I learned what it felt like to be completely and totally open, raw, exposed to the proverbial elements.
I learned how much my husband loves me and how much I love him. (It was a real test for sure)
I learned how to recognize things in my environment on limited senses.
I learned to trust my guides' coaxings and instructions, to rely on them without worry or fear.
I learned to recognize certain traits in people in order to know if they will be there for me.
I learned (again) that what I believe, think, and know is more important than the opinion of another to my belief system.
Mental Lessons Learned:
The mental impact of this journey is not one I will soon forget. I went through periods of wanting to drown my issues. I wanted to just die. I wanted to leave, be as far away as possible. I wanted to kill. I wanted to utterly destroy.
And you might think these should have been in the "emotional" category, but they are not because it was all very calculated and without feeling during the time of calculation.
At the same time though, I fought it. I wanted to be happy, content. I wanted to make everyone else in the world happy. I wanted to create, to build, to grow, to nourish, give life.
These are extreme spectrums but that is because I am an extreme person lol.
My mind constantly felt like it was in a state of utter chaos. It felt battered and bruised. I had migraines over it. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't string a sensible sentence together if my life depended on it. Trying to listen and focus on what someone else was saying was worse and torturous. It felt like being repeatedly stabbed in head/brain and stopping it was not possible.
And then...there was nothing. All greyness. All blank. Just deafening stillness and void. I thought I was going to go insane (if I wasn't already) I wanted to put my head through a wall or cut myself or something to cause some kind of reaction.
I didn't of course but it was all I could do not to.
But what did I learn?
Again, I learned why people turn to substance abuse for a different reason.
I learned what it felt like to actually be at both ends of the spectrum of the giving/taking life thought process and why.
I learned what it felt like to be in a state of uncontrolled mental chaos and basically instability.
I learned why it is so hard for people to understand one another.
I learned what is was like to be in that place of "void" and why people go to extreme measures to feel something, anything.
I learned what it was like to fight that kind of mental war and come out victorious.
Physical Lessons Learned:
With the impact of the emotional and mental sides of my journey in mind, it is obvious that there is bound to be a physical one as well. Well, obvious to me anyway.
Physically...it wasn't as bad as I might've thought but it sure felt like it at the time.
The symptoms I'm about to describe as direct results from the rest of what was going on aren't just a made up connect-the-dot. I've had them before from the same and/or similar issues so, there's some experience speaking there.
As I mentioned, I had frequent migraines.
My hands swelled very painfully. Something called phantom arthritis. It occurs horribly in my hands when internalized things have no other way of getting out.
My back was in painful spasms for days.
I couldn't walk without my legs locking up and both of them from the knees down flaring up with arthritis (which in this case isn't phantom and WAS helped out by the weather)
I almost succumbed to a UTI.
The level of fatigue was at an all time high and then after about a week of this, insomnia set it for days at a time.
I either wanted to eat everything I laid my eyes on or food was just to gross to me I felt nauseous thinking about it.
There was no end to the muscle soreness. It felt like I'd been beaten all over.
My eyes gave me fits (and I'm still dealing with this one at the moment)
But what did I learn?
Again with the substance abuse. Apparently this was something I really needed to learn.
I learned how strong I actually am and how weak I really am. It really placed in-my-face-no-denying-it perspective on it all.
I learned that sometimes I have to seriously push myself. And that I can.
I learned when to take it easy.
I learned to recognize why I was feeling what I was feeling.
I learned to recognize the source of my cravings.
I learned when to be fully aware of what my body was telling me and when to acknowledge it and then tune it out.
Spiritual Lessons Learned:
This was particularly difficult for me. This was the first trip that I've been completely without any senses. I was completely cut off from everything. I really felt handicapped and alone. So I stopped doing rituals. I stopped speaking with the gods and spirits and anything else not a living human. I stopped going outside just because. I stopped taking an interest in learning things regarding my spirituality. Everything just came to a standstill and dead silence.
There's not much to tell in this category other than that. It may not seem as much as the others but to me it was more impactful than any of them combined.
But what did I learn?
I learned that no one can tell me what I can and cannot do regarding my spiritualness.
I learned that my relationships with the spirits and the gods are most important and that no one has a right to dictate to me anything about it NOR do they have the right-or the power-to take it away. Only I do.
I learned that I loved/respected the gods/spirits more than I could've ever realized without this lesson.
I learned that they love/respect me just as much and that doubting that without proper cause would do nothing but strain the relationship.
I learned that the spirit world is just as important to me as the physical world.
I learned that I need to take a more active/proactive role in my learning process. Seek it out instead of always waiting for it to fall in my lap. Stretch the boundaries instead of letting them be defined for me, better yet...have none.
I learned to not be totally reliant on my extra senses. I have physical ones that were given to me for a reason. There's no point in letting them grow stagnant and become useless (in regards to "sensing")
And I learned why people have such a hard/difficult/impossible time giving shit about what happens to our planet.
To place this all in perspective and kind of the "why" of it all, I'll try to explain.
Very simply and in a very real sense, I brought all of this on myself.
It something of vital importance to me to "understand". One can "know" all they want in the world and never understand any of it. All of these things that happened were lessons that I asked to be taught to me so that I could better understand the world and the people in it.
Did I think it would happen like this? um HELL NO lol but it needed to be done.
Through this I have gained perspective and understanding that I would never have been able to in any other way (because of my very nature)
And while I could curse the universe or the gods or both for all of this bullshit that was brought on,
I'll thank them instead for taking the time to teach me and to make sure I was protected from drastic harm during this process. For listening to my questions and helping me find my own answers.
For helping to place the people in my life that make it worthwhile and
for those people being awesome enough to go through this with me and still be there by my side when it's over.
In conclusion, and in truth, I could not ask for more :)
~Strength and Endurance~