It has been cold. Not unseasonably cold, but suddenly. It has been warm to the point of being hot then suddenly it snowed and then it's been colder than a Wiccan's breats. But that's weather in Colorado for you. Never the less, I decided to go walking yesterday evening before sun down. To say it was brisk would be an under statement. My nose was actually numb.
I walk one block, sometimes more but not when my lips are freezing together. I plugged in Lady Gaga and the Pussy Cat Dolls and everything went normally. Aside from the temperature, it was a beautiful day. It had been very bright and sunny which is what prompted me from my room and bed. How could it be cold when the light casts such a warm glow on the heater I reasoned to myself. Before going out, I had been laying naked in bed watching Medium and trying to sleep. I was irrated. My friends owe me money, a lot of money. The owe me a grand total of about $7000, give or take. I have recently decided they are probably not going to pay me back, which pisses me off, and that brought me to my bed after work. I do not know what brought it about, maybe watching Medium or listening to my instinct about the money, but I had been feeling unsually senitive about the time I really started waking up. Well, to be fair, I used to be this sensitve all the time, but not for a while, and only in spurts. It was such a wonderful feeling as I walked, taking the universe in with all of my senses.
P!nk sang in my ears as I glacned behind about mid way through my trip. There was a bearded man in the distance. His beard and his hair were both very long. He was also short. He looked homeless. Naturally, this freaked me out. I quicked my step, my frozen converse flashing underneath me. The next song was one of my favorites. Half way through I could feel him much closer to me, and interested. The song ended and I used the large touchscreen of my phone as a mirror. He was directly behind me. I just shy of a full run.
Finally the man caught up with me. He was much younger and far less grizeled than I had imagined. And his white hair and beard were blond and braided. The look wasn't hobo so much as boho. Turned and said something to me, still walking. "I'm sorry?" I said pulling my earbuds out.
"I said 'how are you?'"
"Oh I'm fine. How are you?"
"I'm ok. What is your name?" Oh my gods, he is going to rape me.
"I'm Gary. It's nice to meet you Will." He shook my hand. We were still walking. He was just backward. "I've got a message for you, Will. I call God Pappa and he loves you and your family just the way you are."
I smiled and thanked him and he walked off. It hadn't been some lecture or sales pitch, just a simple message of love. Now I felt kind of bad, making he chase me like that. I thought to myself. If he loves me, "just the way I am," I thought to myself, he must be ok with me being Pagan. But then again, maybe it was a Pagan god. I considered the man's wording: "I call God Pappa." Maybe this man was some sort of angel or lesser deity. He probably wasn't though. I walked on, watched him make a call on a payphone across the street. Why would an angel make a call? Maybe it was the Matrix. Or maybe, the rational mind said, he was just a Christian trying to spread his message. The thought of someone loving my was a powerful one. I started crying a little bit. I am loved. But then I giggled. I had been looking for a boyfriend, someone to hold me and love me but I have something even better: a vague concept. I walked and thought a little more. Even as ugly and imperfect as I am, he loved me. I was good enough. My eyes teared up again for a moment. Then I remebered my quest is not to be good enough, but perfect, or at least better than everyone else. I then understood the power of his message. People live and die for a little bit of love, or even the illusion of it. It touched on everything in my life. So many people seek love as a form of validation; you're not someone until you're with someone. The idea that someone loves you just the way you are is very seductive. It's kind of funny. Actually, it's hillarious.