I have been experiencing an uncomfortable sort of emptiness for the past while .. up until very recently. I had so many questions and I was trying to find certain feelings and figure out what was causing others. I thought I'd grown bored with myself, feelings of worthlessness occurring every so often became more frequent. I felt powerless and totally unenergized and unmotivated.. "what's the fucking point?" I thought.. almost every day especially upon waking.
I'm not special when it comes to that and I've always known this. I just wanted it to go away. I was becoming impatient but also held on to the hope & faith that all will be reveled in due time.
The feelings of worthlessness etc weren't coming from others, but from myself. I am the only reason I felt this way. There was never a reason to place that blame on anyone else, so I never did. It was all personal and came from within. So of course, I am the only one able to fix this shit.. I just needed to figure out how.
What I thought I was doing was not being done at all.
I got spiritually lazy without ever even realizing it. I shut my eyes. I stopped learning. I stopped connecting. I ignored. I might have even pushed myself away. I stopped taking care of my spirit and that is why I've been having those negative feelings about myself.
I have found that the questions I had are now being answered, and I've also been receiving answers to questions that I didn't know I had.
I feel a warmth, a connection, positivity. I don't feel quite so powerless or worthless anymore. I can accomplish what needs to be done.. not all at once, needless to say, but in due time. I will never be all light, sunny with rainbows all of the time and such because that's just NOT me and it never has been. That's certainly not what I seek to become, either. A little more balance was all I wanted.
I'm not a hater of negativity as it can be a very good thing to have. But too much of it can and will kill the good thing you're trying to accomplish and can be scary. Same goes for positivity, at least for me. I feel that if you are overly positive.. you're just lying to yourself and things get bottled up which in turn can have a very negative impact on you and/or those around you. Let's face it: It may not rain everyday, but it's not always sunny, either.
I'm back on the right track now and do plan to stay on it. I feel a warmth, a connection. I do not want to lose that again. It's a good feeling. If I start to fall, I pray for the sight to see it happening, the wisdom to know what to to about it, and the strength to get back up.